2017 and separation

In the face of adversity, life can get kind of discouraging.

Coming to the UK I told myself that the thing I feared the most was losing people due to the move. Be it losing people because the distance made relationships too difficult to maintain, or you know, death, I was really hoping none of that would happen in my first year. I thought, any year but this year, I can handle it, just need to settle down, fall in love with London and my commitment to study first.

Then 2017 came and just splat.

Thats how it felt at first, a big, hopeless, splat.

In January I had to end a long distance relationship with someone I was so incredibly in love and compatible with. Love to the point that it hurts to type it out (my gosh so drama), I can't even describe it really and I didn't even want to for once. I won't even try to do it here. I just wanted to keep the relationship personal and private (I'm an open book IF you haven't already noticed, so this was different and special), and it was hard to swallow that if I was in another place doing other things I wouldn't really have to face the break-up. 

Breaking up from a good relationship is hard in its own way. Its hard because there was so little that went wrong (maybe even nothing?) that its easy to end up at, wait why are we breaking up again? (Then Big Mira tells Small Mira, distance beb, distance) But break-ups are relatively easier to deal with than death. I told myself that I can still be happy and he can still be happy and we didn't end it on a bad note so give it time and we didn't have to lose the companionship if we didn't want to. Even though it was terrible to process and even now I'm still in a weird place about it, on the mostly I got over it, I was okay.

Then in February, I got news that my grandmother passed away. It was both shocking and not, she wasn't sick or anything like that, but she fell ill after a trip to umrah and her body just, never got better. All in all, the falling sick, the devastating hospital visits, the death, it all happened in two weeks. On the day of her death my mom had already told me it was coming, and when face timing her, my dad said ' So I guess this is your last time you'll see her'. That broke me. It broke me to not be home, to not be there for my family when another person driving or staying awake or taking care would've been helpful. I mean, it wasn't like they had any trouble taking care of her, my family bands together pretty well in times of health related crisis, but I wanted to be involved. To take care of my Wan the way she took care of me (I grew up like 70% with her in my first few years of life), to be there for my dad when he needed the emotional support. I just wanted to be there, not a FaceTime away, not a whatsapp away. I was face timing my family the whole evening, but I still felt so, detached. I really didn't expect not to have her to come home to. I still don't know how to feel about that.

So, 2017 has been hard on me. I've cursed the year many times over and just really felt like, not doing life for the rest of the year. I just kept wishing things were different, that I wasn't here. 

I was talking to my friend Archie about how I was feeling, and I stressed how demotivated I felt. It was a conversation over whatsapp and he said this to me 

He said I could go with my feelings or to realise the opportunity I have and make full use of it. I realise that any big decision comes with an extent of sacrifice, and I tried to hope my way out of not having to realise the full consequence of not being with my loved ones. But I had to face it, and now I have a choice; to do my best or to not. And right now, the way I see it, damn i better get a first or none of this is worth it lol.

I told that to Archie too, and he again pointed out that of course its worth being here. He pointed out that I have many friends and I'm learning new things in a way I never can if I was at home. That I gotta not neglect my opportunity but whatever I end up with at the end of the day, me being here is already worth it due to the sheer experience of being here. The whole time I was thinking, damn, when did Archie get so wise?

I talk a lot about how being here is not what I expected it to be. If I was to go into it here this post will never end, but I guess I was almost homesick to the point of disappointment in my first semester. But now, now I'm realising that maybe its not what I expected it to be but thats good too in some ways.

I'm scared of separation. When I was seeing a therapist he pretty much diagnosed me with separation anxiety, which is ironic because here I am, so damn separated from my life back in Malaysia. I talk about moving countries a lot because it affects me a lot, but this recent bout of separation, this facing my anxiety right in the face, its been hard. But its also been positive. I'm learning healthy ways to cope with it all, and I guess I'm only getting stronger. And seeing as how bad my year has started out, I only can go up right?

( #nofailingfirstyearpleaseIcanttakethis #prayforMira)

Yknw what they say,

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

So Imma go now, till next time guys, thanks for reading, as always.

Love from London,

Mira

On being present

So the real reason why I haven't been posting on here at all lately is because I've found that I'm in quite a dry spell when it comes to writing here, and thats been because I've been feeling really odd.

The word to describe it best is sub-par. Not unhappy, not depressed. Not even a little bit sad. Just feeling like Im not feeling what Im supposed to feel coming to London. I worked myself for the longest of times to get here, but when I did get here, I really just wanted to go home.

See, thats the other thing. I didn't feel like it should be something I should talk about so openly. I'm aware that me being in my dream university under my dream scholarship is something that is of great privilege. I know so many pray for this and that I got really lucky with the cards life dealt me in terms of education. I was really scared of being labelled 'tak bersyukur' (ungrateful) in my attempt at being honest and I didn't want to complain. I mean, I got exactly what I wanted.

But I did feel sub-par, and while thats a whole other blogpost in itself, it is the main reason why I couldn't write anything here. I wanted to write about how happy and wonderful and amazing things were. And whilst I always found London to be a city easy to fall in love with, my first term here was just so 

sub-par.

A hugeeee chunk of my sub-par ness stemmed from the fact that I left so many people that I love back in Malaysia- one plane ticket and I have a long distance relationship with 70% of the people closest to me, and I kept indulging in the lonely thought of forever being left out (huge FOMO issues). I'm super close to my family, so it was really hard to know that I'll be missing out on so many dinners and stay-cations. My best friend was in Malaysia and I couldn't spontaneously barge into her house and of course, I tried for a while to maintain a relationship spanning oceans. I guess theres nothing particularly unique to my feeling homesick, its natural. But it all lead me to wishing I was home instead of here.

Long distance relations of any sort are hard, and not everyone is cut out for it. I started the year embracing the fact that I'd have to stop trying with one of my relationships. I think thats when the weight of what I have to sacrifice - by default of being so far away from so many people - hit me. I don't really want to go into the details of my getting over it but losing this bond did make me realise something huge. Something that was so damn obvious but yet so pivotal in my ability to enjoy myself here, and that was

Mira, you'll never be in Malaysia while you're in London.

I know it sounds pretty dumb that I didn't really truly embrace that, but I really didn't okay! I kept wishing myself to be home all the time, so much so that I was just ended up in between nothing. One of my friends pointed out to be that Im not present, and thats when the eureka moment happened. Thats when I realised that how the hell am I gonna see London if all Im looking at is Malaysia?!?! That I've been living in my head this whole time.

Though this may seem a little like a complain-ey post, I mean for it to be quite the opposite. This is a, I was really complain-ey but now I have gotten over my self and now, now Im moving on. Is it too late to make new years resolutions?

I'm going to be present. No, actually, I already am present. Im here now, fully. Where I have full responsibility over my body, where it will not eat if I decide not to go to the groceries. Where milk is so fresh and so cheap and finding curly kale isn't like trying to find the cure for cancer. In London, long walks feel like leisure and I wear sneakers almost all of the times despite not owning a single pair a little over 6 months ago. Here, the rain goes pitter patter and the skies are bluer because there aren't as many clouds. The sun is a privilege that I will willingly walk twice as far to enjoy. Im here in a place with some super peng fried chicken down the road and the hydrangeas are green instead of blue. I sleep with the windows drawn and the sun wakes me up, the cold whips against my face to remind me that i am here i am here i am here. Every tube station presents itself with a different character. The days look like literal grey some days and I've fallen in love with spinning on poles.
I am exactly where I dreamed of being.

So I guess its true, to make an end is to make a beginning.

Love from London,

Mirr.

On my typos.

One of my closest acquaintances recently told me that the first thought he had while reading through my blog was : 

'Banyaknya typo.'

Yes, I leave my typo and grammar mistakes in, but contrary to popular belief it isn't because I'm too lazy to do a spell check. 

I remember in school a lot of my teachers and peers encouraged me to start a blog, write on a public space, share my thoughts, and all because I was good in english and grammar. At that point I was just like, yeah okay, I can write so I should write, but upon growing up, I've received soooooo many comments/messages from people who say they want to start a blog or they want to share their thoughts but they can't because their grammar isn't 'good enough'.

Okay so I get why grammar is important. I understand why language has to be standardised, that its important for a system to be in place so we can all understand what everyone is trying to get at, okay, point taken. But a lot of the time, these people who come up to me expressing their want to write but feel like they can't, have an understandable, communicable level of language proficiency anyway. The only thing is (and I realise that I am assuming a lot of this because I've never actually been in their position) that there embarrassed that someone will point out their grammar mistakes, and the point he/she has tried to convey becomes less important than the fact that they aren't as good at a language. 

I can't help but wonder how many people we shut down as less opinionated or less bright, simply because they have not mastered a language to its fullest. And mastering a language is more than just being smart; its a lot to do with societal background, opportunities to get education, family upbringing. Some people just don't have the chance to receive good formal education when it comes to the english language, and don't speak it at home either. Just because someone isn't fluent in english, by no means should it reflect their intellectual capability. In Mira's idealistic (and some may argue unattainable) world, everyone's opinions would be weighed equally, regardless of what language or level of proficiency the opinion has been conveyed in. And I don't know about you but idealistic just means its something I want to work for, not dismiss as impossible.

So I leave my typos/grammar mistakes in to sort of let y'all know that hey, you don't to have good english to share your opinions. Share in whatever way is comfortable to you. I like to keep my blog space kind of sempoi anyway, yknw, keep it real homies. If your command of the english language has been the factor that stops you from expression, then this post is for you; just write. I got your back, me and all my imperfect typos.

Or you know, maybe I'm just being suppppeerrrrr defensive about my writing style. You decide :)

Love,

Mira

On opportunities

I feel like we are never grateful enough for our opportunities

One of my maids is only a year older than me. For those of you who may not be aware, having live-in maids is common practise in Malaysia, so no, I am not some rich princess that has maids to tend to her every wish and desire. Any who, she's born in the same time period as me, understands trends, uses instagram, you get the drift. Lets just call her 'Kakak'

So Kakak is a bright girl, went through high school, did well even. She's innovative, talkative, eager to learn. She's picking up English just by listening to us communicate at home, and we knew from day one that she really is a smart girl. But the thing is, she came from a poor family who could not afford to send her to university, so it was either get married or get a job. I understand why she was narrowed down to these two choices, marrying her off would mean less burden for the family and if that wasn't going to happen than it was vital she brought money to the table. The unfortunate truth is that putting food on the table always comes before education, and in most parts of the world tertiary education is still a very expensive luxury. She chose to leave home the moment she could to work (read : very young, but still legal guys no worries!). She told us that working in Malaysia is good and easy money. Retail jobs back home were hard to secure without networks and the other option would be to work in the fields. So she made that sacrifice.

I feel like Kakak is happy working here, at least she tells me she much prefers this than being married off to a man she barely knew. But I can never shake this disturbing feeling that she's just one year older than me and has been almost forced into this decision. We're so similar in age, it sends me shivers down my spine thinking that I could have easily been born into her life, we could have been switched. But instead, the lottery of birth placed me into this life, where tertiary education is almost a done deal, and I really have very little to worry about in the grand scale of things. I don't have to provide, I don't have to worry about being married off, I don't even have to worry about food because I will get fed one way or the other. And living in my house, so similar in age to me, is a girl who's had to worry about all those things.

My life comes with its own set of challenges; Kakak will never feel the pressure of picking an education thats worth a heck lot of money. Neither will she almost be forced to a 9-5 lifestyle, or be expected to perform a certain academic standard, but still, put my worries against hers on a scale and we don't even have to wonder who will win. It all comes down to opportunities. Both Kakak and I have had very different opportunities in life. We all get them, some may seem more appealing than others but everyone is destined to their own unique set of opportunities which is mostly determined by what life you were born into. Its kind of sad, but its sadder to know that there are so many people who get good opportunities and just don't take them.  People who would pick 'chilling' forever over the prospect of self growth and improvement just because they want to. Don't get me wrong, I love to lepak, but everything in moderation guys. Don't let your lepak game ruin your opportunities.

Who's to say who got luckier in the birth lottery, but one thing I know for sure is that I have had more options than Kakak ever did. And I feel like I almost have a duty to take every opportunity I can to grow and learn, even if it means I have to work a little harder and chill a little less. Think about it, there are people out there who don't even dare dream about the things we take for granted. So my reminder to myself, and all of you, is to grab the opportunity, whatever it may be, because some people will never have the chance.

Love,

Mirr

On happiness 2

'If everything I do is a personal attack to you, then its gonna be tough'

A very good friend once said that to me in a rather heated argument, and me being the sensitive emotional pixie I am, am thinking about that statement up till now. 

I love hard. Friends, boyfriends, if I love you I'm pretty all in about it. And sometimes, I get really sad about the smallest of things. Like, why didn't friend A not ask me out for lunch when they were free, or why are all my friends so happy without me in this picture? The irrational part of me is thinking, omg, they're doing this on purpose, they've left me out, I'm left behind! They're being happy just to  make me sad. I'm guessing to a certain degree everyone experiences this; feeling left out or unimportant, as if someone didn't want to include you in their happiness. I'm a litttttttle bit more extreme. Sometimes even when people are completely out of my life do something huge, a small part of me can't help but feel like, oh, their doing this to make me sad.

But it just struck me, maybe people's pursuit of happiness is not tangent at all to you.

I mean, get over yourself Mirr.

You really really cannot expect anybody to always stop and consider what their choices would do to you and your happiness, because most of the time, if its between fighting for their own happiness or ensuring yours, their going to pick their own. And this isn't because they are spiteful or mean or inconsiderate, its because the onus of happiness is on you and you alone! So if friends decide to plan a trip without you, an ex got a new partner, people are down your road and having a meet up, its probably because, their thinking about their own happiness. And you cannot force anyone to make your happiness a priority, not family, not your spouse, not your children, not anybody. 

But what can you do?

You can start focusing on making yourself happy, and not regard plans that don't have you in them as a personal attack. It doesn't mean you're left behind, insignificant or unimportant, its just, we all have our own destinies to fulfil, and sugar, you're not going to be the main character in everyones story. Or in anyones story, save your own. So why bother how many times you get cast in somebody else's movie, direct your own, make it yours.

Be happy. Be happy with yourself, by yourself, for yourself.

And that my friends, is a hard lesson, but one I am intending to finally learn till the end.

Love,
Mirr

On Happiness

I was very very very excited about completing my A levels. The dates lined up so that I would have exactly 10 days between my last paper and my 20th birthday, and when I first realised this months ago, I decided, I'm having a 10 day countdown/celebration.

Now, my idea of a celebration was pretty, well, unrealistic. I made it pretty clear that I was looking forward to this 10 day countdown period to everyone who held any significance in my life, and henceforth I assumed they'd get the hint; Celebrate me for 10 days godammit. I didn't hope for having a party everyday for ten days, of course. Instead it was more, I hope everyone does all they can to make me very very very happy for 10 days, and put me as top priority.

This was unrealistic for many reason. For one, hoping for peoples world to revolve around you for even the shortest amount of time is not something you can or should hope for. I know this, I totally understand every argument, but man, I really really really have always liked to be babied and get attention and physical proof of affection from my loved ones, and its been a part of me I've never really admitted because god forbid somebody call me an attention seeker and insecure ( side note, maybe I am an attention seeker and insecure, thats ok. Approaching 20 I'm proud to be honest about myself, like Tyrion Lannister said, know what you are, because the world will never forget, and use it like amour) In any case, given time to cool off, I do almost always manage to argue against my self-centredness, and realise that its not healthy to expect that sort of thing from people. The other thing was, even if everyone wanted to truly celebrate me, it was the absolute right time for me, but absolute wrong time for everyone else. My sister was enrolling into pre-u earlier than we expected, my friends are busy with exams or work, my boyfriend had 2 further maths papers, and well, no-one could devote 10 days to me.... 

I was very sad,  so I sulked and merajuk for the first day I was back. I kept thinking, why is my happiness not their priority? Why don't people want to do things for me that I'd do for them? Why am I not important, why are all my celebration plans not working out, how come no-one is cooperating?????  The second day I was back, I went out with Dina to get stuff for her pre-u sorted, when I came across this quote on a decorative item :

"Some pursue happiness, others make it"

And I thought, what the fuck am I doing expecting my happiness to be the responsibility of others??? Its not sustainable, you're putting yourself up for disappointment, and well, Mirr, you have chosen happiness so many times now, why for these 10 days expect others to choose it for you???? 

Its appealing, I like to feel like a princess, I like to be spoilt once in a while, and my birthday is probably the thing that I look forward to the most every year- its a big deal okay, I like growing up and I like celebration, birthdays are EXACTLY that. But like, if I was going to expect everyone to celebrate me for 10 days, or for that matter, if I was going to base my happiness on my actual birthday solely based on what others have planned, then I have no control on both my happiness or my expectations, and my birthday will always be an inadequate, unspecial affair.

I celebrated my 10 days alright, but in a different way than I expected. I allowed myself to fully realise how happy I am, did everything, ate everything, wore everything I felt like without giving into guilt. I let myself sleep in and not feel bad, I helped those who I could help. I mean, its not a celebration in the truest of terms, but I think I celebrated me and the person I've become. Plus, I kept to blogging every day, which allowed myself to feel productive, creative and well, good. This space makes me feel good.

I'm learning that expectations often lead to disappointment, and a lot of the time the things you hope to happen and the things that actually happen will be different. But different isn't always bad, but it is bad if thats all you allow it to be. 

I guess over these past 10 days I've learned that while artisan cakes, balloons, flowers, parties and surprises are nice, you've got to chose happiness for yourself, cause nobody will hand it to you on a silver platter. Which sounds a lil depressing on its own, but the flip side is nobody can take it all away from you either. 

Since my 10 days are over, I won't be blogging everyday anymore. But I will stick to a 2 post a week minimum; 9.30pm Saturday and 9.30pm Wednesday. So you can expect to see me put up a post at those times. Blogging everyday made me feel like I have a lot of friends, and for those of you who took the time to comment, email me or contact me on any sort of platform, I thank you so much! It always makes a huge difference to my day and my mood, and I hope we can be friends. Once again this is my email : ilmiramurni@yahoo.com , which I welcome for absolutely anything.

Also heads up, may not post tomorrow, but definitely will on Wednesday. I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I have writing, and I'll see you back here really soon.

Love,

Mira

Choosing the wrong education path?

My little sister just enrolled into a foundation in science programme today. Leading up to this day though, Dina has been questioning whether or not she's doing the right thing and going for the right education path. I understand the worry, because well, everybody has their moments where they really really aren't sure what to do in life. In fact, some people spend their whole lives just wondering...

Figuring out your calling is (quite commonly) a scary and confusing process, and a lot of people stress out about not having found it, or realising that maybe their interests have changed. I know when you're facing these big personal issues, the first reaction is to panic! breakdown! cancel all motivation! But I feel like you could never really choose the wrong education path.

A degree, or any academic qualification for that matter, to me is an opportunity. There are a lot of jobs out there that you can only hold if you have some sort of academic qualification, its true. But just because you have a degree in say healthcare, it doesn't mean you're limited to healthcare. I know, easier said than done, but its true, and there are a lottttt of people out there who can make it in careers that are totally opposite from what they studied at first ( Just in Malaysian Fashion : Vivy Yusuf & Fadza, Nurul Zulkifly, Nelissa Hilman to name a few) So if you end up not liking what your studying, then don't worry too much. Give it your best, as you should with everything, get that qualification then pursue your dreams, WHATEVER it may be.

Anna Akana said in a video once, How you make money, and what you pursue as your career don't have to be the same thing.  You can watch the whole video here. My takeaway from it is if you ever find yourself in a place where you feel like you're doing something you shouldn't be doing, you don't havee to be miserable. You could go all for it; change your course, quit your job, etc, but if that's not something you'd feel comfortable doing, then pursue things that make you happy in your free time! Personally, I honestly don't know what kind of job I will end up having, but if it means I'm behind a counter dispensing drugs then I don't think I will be at my happiest. But thats the thing, I don't have to do that if I don't want to. I know realistically my options will never be endless and vast, but I believe that I can change my luck and don't have to (read, should not) settle for things that make me miserable. I'll give it all up and work as an assistant at a florist, take care of peoples babies, something, anything, theres a way. Some people will say I'm naive and too positive, but ah well, I'll take it as a compliment.

In conclusion, I think we should stop regarding our education paths as things that restrict us for the rest of our lives. It is a ticket to one opportunity, one that you probably wanted at one point in life, so do your best and count your blessings that you even have this opportunity to begin with. When the time comes, you can take it, or go for something better. If you give your best at everything, and treat every experience as a learning curve, then there is no such thing as wasted time or resources, cause even a degree you didn't enjoy will teach you something. Always remember that you can make your life more than what you studied and what you do for a job, if you want it to be. The onus of happiness and fulfilment is on you, and you alone! If we make a small change in our mindsets toward education, I believe, we'll all be a little less stress in finding our calling, and a little more motivated to do better.

And if you absolutely don't know what you want to do, don't fret, not all who wander are lost and you can extract happiness from other things. 

And dina if you're reading this, we will be happy sisters together forever, so don't worry too much okay bb. We will have nice brunches and family dinner to make up for the crappy (though hopefully not) jobs we have! I love you Dins! And leave your comment below for Dina if you want, Ill be sure to pass on the message.

Love,

Mira

Beggars : To give or not to give.

I've noticed that almost every time I'm eating out, or just lepaking with my friends, I'm almost always approached by one party or another asking me for money. This issues' been fairly talked about in Malaysia, some people believe that giving money to beggars is bad, supports begging culture and doesn't solve the root problem of why people have to beg in the first place. Others publish about the reasons people have to resort to begging, tugging on heart strings and that it was entrenched in the system for these people to beg. Like every issue, theres two sides to the coin, but I'm always faced with the confusing question, do I give this pakcik 2 ringgit or not? 

Last year, Israr Khalid, a journalist from Astro Awani published that a beggar in KL can make up to RM 18240 a month. Thats a crazyyyy amount of money in my opinion. While he did admit that the generosity of the public should be applauded, it is a bit suspicious. It raises issues are there begging syndicates that kidnap and force people to beg, are people just not wanting to find a job which then means they can get decent money and don't have to pay tax and help the economy at the end of the day. Should we give people money, when they put up a false image and pretty much deceive us? 

While it all makes sense, I always feel kind of bad when I'm sitting at a cafe, drinking my RM 12 chai latte and this old man/woman is in rags and asking me for my spare change. Plus, I believe that human were made with at least a little bit of ego. I'd think you'd have to be pretty desperate to resort to asking strangers for money, and to have to do it every day.... And I can't help but wonder, even if there were syndicates and fakes out there, what if this person doesn't get to eat today? What if he/she hasn't eaten in a week? What if they actually need it.

Even with all this sentiment, in the past I mostly didn't give money to beggars (I have a pretty limited allowance okay!). Its really easy to buy into the, 'their fakes and are cheating you for your money' argument when you see the same beggar at targetted locations most days of the week. But quite recently, my opinion on this whole issue changed. 

One day I was eating at a mamak with my best friend Saida, and this beggar came to us and we *politely* declined, and went on eating. This beggar went on, asking patrons at the mamak for money, and most people didn't bat an eye. At the same time, there was this pakcik by the roadside selling woven baskets and fans, and he was just sitting down. When this beggar crossed paths with the pakcik, he didn't ask him for money because well, their both out on the streets. But the pakcik stopped him, and gave the beggar ten ringgit. After a while, this pakcik went around trying to sell his fans and baskets, and Saida and I felt so ashamed. We were two people, who didn't have to worry about our next meal and could afford to order sotong goreng to go with our roti canai and didn't give anything to the beggar. While this man, who clearly had sooooo little, was donating to someone in need. 

Another thing that made me change my perspective about this was a story my Grandma told me. Grandma lives a comfortable life, she can afford to indulge in a cool tech toy every now and then off her pension fund. My siblings and I joked around saying that she is #lifegoals and we want to be able to afford her lifestyle and all that, then my grandma told us her story. She says when she was a little girl, her parents used to give her some pocket money everyday to spend at school. It wasn't much, like 40 cents (which could buy you a meal back in the day). On her route to school, there was always this old blind man just sitting down reading the Quran. Grandma would give him a fraction of her pocket money, 5 cents or 10 cents. It was never a lot but she did it everyday and it seemed like my grandmas few cents were his bread and butter. Grandma believes with all her heart that all her rezeki and fortune was because of those few cents she gave to that old man everyday, and she told us, if you can afford to eat out, you can afford to give people a little bit at least. What goes around comes around, insyaAllah, murah rezeki if you take kedekut rezeki.

So I've promised myself one thing. Considering that I don't have income but I can afford a few finer things in life, I'm going to set an amount to donate per week. Once I've reached that quota, I'll have a reason to say no to the next beggar, but if I haven't, then I have no reason not to help someone who may need it more than I do. It doesn't have to be much, but to a person who needs it, a little bit does go a long way. 

Till tomorrow then!

Love,

Mirr

My feels : 230216

Lonely is a pit I get too comfortable in,

Laze does not feel as good as it used to,

Good feels like having a break you earned,

Realization is like getting all the wind knocked out of your lungs,

Its like getting a chance to breathe all over again.

Forgiveness sometimes feels like I am betraying myself,

Dread is hoping forgiveness felt like being set free,

Truth means I am not as forgiving as I aspire to be,

Hunger is, well its normal, it shouldn't be ignored,

And a full tummy begs for a nap,

Stroking a cat feels like stroking nice hair feels like stroking a fluffy carpet feels like redemption,

Love is different, 

Sweet nothings are nothing and love knows that now,

 Love is sunday morning lay ins and slow dancing in plain clothes,

Love has never felt more real.

On worship

I live in a world where what I wear matters more than what I believe in.

Or at least thats what Ive come to observe.

I was schooled in a system which graded me on how much of the Quran I could memorize. To be honest, I never cared about whether or not I understood what it was I was reading. Religion, to me, was a set of rules. You get told to do, you do or face judgement (honestly, by peers more than anything). That is, up till my senior years in high school, when I finally took the initiative to read the translations of the verses. And you know what I learned?

The Quran has pages and pages and pages emphasizing on worship, on belief from the heart, on Iman. Majority of the scripture asks you to do one simple thing, believe, and it teaches you the properties of Allah, how if mercy were water, there would be no ocean in this world that could hold his mercy. It taught me of humility, modesty, and most importantly, to believe. 

It did not spend chapters and pages telling me that I had to cover my hair. 

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I live a sinless life. I don't dress like the most religious of people, and I've faced my fair amount of human judgement for it. I honestly understand your concern.

But I really can't help but wonder, while I get anonymous comment and hear rumors stating that I am blasphemous, unworthy of respect and out of my mind, does a cloth on my head make me Muslim?

I do not have a lot of knowledge about Islam, I admit, but for most of my life, religion scared me. I grew up learning a version of Islam and quite honestly, got frightened by it. At 19 I decided, I want to learn to love Allah more than I fear him. I think that is important, don't you?

I still don't expect anybody to understand my decision, but I just ask, if you have advice for me, want to teach me, have questions or want to discuss religion, please, anonymous, mean comments wont further your cause in any way. Non muslims and muslims who are unsure will only get more frightened. Instead, either ask to meet with me or contact me personally. I enjoy learning and am open to any sort of comment, I just don't think anonymous and public is the way to go. My email is ilmiramurni@yahoo.com , or ask me for my number.

At the end of the day, Islam is my connection with Allah. Not human judgement, not a rigid rulebook; worship is a personal, sacred and precious thing. I pray that we all find our peace and happiness, for I think thats an integral part of worship. 

I am sorry for anyone I might have offended with this post, and thank you, for everyone who has been kind.

Assalamualaikum, May Peace be Upon you.

Beauty

I am not mass media and overall society's idea of beauty. I am well aware of that.

There is a small percentage of people who naturally fit into the narrow definition of beauty in the eyes of the masses. There are more people who don't fit in than there are people who do ; I do not believe that there are so many ugly human beings.

I am not mass media and overall society's idea of beauty. But I am a mixture of my father and mother, who I think are both beautiful. I am my family's idea of beauty, I am my friends idea of beauty. My boyfriend tells me Im pretty every day, even when I'm literally undeserving of the compliment. I am convinced he is talking about my soul more than my face.

I think thats an even bigger compliment.

Most importantly, I am my idea of beauty.

I refuse to compete with a photoshopped picture that took days to perfect. I am a real life human being, look me in the eyes and tell me thats not beautiful.

19

Maybe one day you'll wake up feeling 19.

You'll wake up feeling not quite kid, not quite adult. Everyone treats you as somewhere in between. You'll wake up feeling like two opposites in one body. 

19 is the year of transition, the epitome of paradox. That weird stage before you get to be your own person. 

Maybe one day you'll wake up feeling inevitably lost.

But maybe being found is overrated. Maybe being unsure is alright. Maybe confidence is good but uncertainty is just as fine. Can't I be a conservative liberal? I feel like a submissive feminist. Maybe its possible that Im a strong willed girly girl. 

Maybe growing up doesn't mean deciding to be one or the other, maybe its deciding to be you. Whatever concoction that may be. 

I've lived a life of in betweens, maybe growing up means that I stop associating that with being lost. Maybe its being at peace with all the paradoxical facets of your being. Maybe everyone who doesn't get that doesn't matter. Maybe thats the opposite of loneliness.

We're okay. We're lost and we're doing good.

If he leaves me

We were in econs, drawing graphs of some sort when Fie turned to me and asked,

' What will you do if he leaves you?'

I know heartbreak. Ive gone into a relationship which is admitedly my first real experience with love and it came and it left and my life was in shambles when it did. I guess almost all experiences with first loves leave you with some degree of tragedy, a story to remember. I got my fair share of scars to bear. But what happened happened, and I reacted in the ways that I did and I am proud of how far I've come from where I was a little over a year ago.

While I do not appreciate the things some people have put me through, heartbreak brought me a humbling experience. Getting betrayed by someone who I thought was going to be the person I would spend my life with taught me a few things. 

It made me truly understand that what someone does to you is a reflection of that individual, not you. Never let anybodies actions, words and choices define what you think about yourself and I mean this on all fronts. If someone says 'i hate you' he/she is saying that he/she hates you, not that you deserve to be hated, and vice versa. 'I love you' means I love you, not that you deserve to be loved. Statements and actions are extensions of the person doing them, and not mirrors of what you are, let that sink in a little. 

 In the moment, this was the hardest thing to believe. I wallowed in self pity and interpreted everything my ex did to me as a reflection of my worth, and once you get into that pit its hard to get out but hey, I did. If you are going through heartbreak, just hold on to to the fact that what Peter says about Jane says more about Peter than it does about Jane. Nobody can ever define who you are or put a measure to your worth, only you can do that.

I also got a reality check about how dangerous attachments can be. When things started to break, the first thing I felt was that I was absolutely lost. I was the type to be willing to give my life up for a guy, and admitedly, I tailor suited a lot of my life for him. People talk about selflessness like it is the most noble thing in the world, but everything has its limits. I learned to hold on to me, that any real love wouldn't demand for many sacrifices. I mean, I do believe in doing big things for the people you love, but keep some elements in your life as only yours. Whether it be things like how you dress, how you write, what you post on instagram, what you eat or what you do as a hobby, hold on to something separate from your relationship, hold on to something that is exclusively you. Don't get too attached to anything or anyone, you'll miss out on everything else life has to offer and once that thing is gone (and it most probably will go) you will be lost.as.fuck (not a fun place to be). Almost all things are temporary, so be ready for when life gets real. Just remember that temporary things can also be beautiful and ultimately worth it.

We can never own love. Love will come when it has to, and love will go when it must. This is a quote from the poem 'When love arrives' by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye, and oh my did this poem help me understand the non ownership of love. I've linked the video for anyone who might want to watch the poem for themselves here ; 

There were a lot of things I learned from my breakup, but ultimately, I learned that you will be okay and you are literally all you need. You have your life, and it feels amazing to make the choice to live it each and every day.

I am glad I took the time I did to get over it, and that I purged whatever I felt. I am a strong believer of the fact that there is undeniable strength in emotions, and if you need to cry 27 times a week so be it! My purge has made me come to absolute peace with all that has happened, and hey, now Im as ready as ever. Plus, you know how they say don't hate the game, hate the player?

Thats true. Cause Ive stumbled across a gem who asks for nothing but me to be myself.

So what will I do if he leaves me too?

Ill live.

Ilmira overthinks : Somewhere only we know by Keane

When I drive alone, I put the music on really loud and sing, and sometimes I realllllly feel the song. Then I start overthinking and  looking back at life and it leaves me emotionally charged.

This song came on when I was driving home from meeting up with a bunch of primary school friends, gave me the feels, you know?

We go through life and cross paths with so many people. Not everyone will be relavant, but  more often than not people leave pockets of  memories for you to look back at from time to time. Now Im not attaching a value judgement to these memories, I hope most for you are good, but sometimes they are bad. Its like we go to temporary places with the people we meet and sometimes the pictures we end up with are just plain horrible. But the point is, its all temporary.

In my opinion, thats pretty tough to swallow.

 People  always come and people will definitely go, in one way or another. You've probably heard this a million times, and I personally am so sick of having this slapped across my conscience. Sometimes, I feel like when you realize you've lost contact with someone, I wish I had no good memories of them. It makes it so much easier to deal with, no, 'omg I was so happy'. Emphasis on the was, because past happiness kind of makes me sad.

But then I realize Im wishing for a life of bad experiences. Hold up Mirr, lets think this through.

You don't own somebody just because you've had a couple, or heck even a truck load, of memories with them. You can never own anyone, and nobody can ever own you. There is no bond that is inseparable, some bonds much stronger than others but ultimately, human relationships aren't meant to span forever, save the relationship you have with yourself.

So if it wont last, why bother?

Because even though we're all on individual paths, maybe we need to leave a mark on other people to help them through theirs. Maybe someones mark on you in vital for your own journey. Be it good or bad, the people that matter will always leave with a lesson, a sliver of hope, some sort of revelation. So the next time you find that the your time with somebody is up, after you've greived what you have to, focus on where that relationship brought you. Don't fret too much about controlling relationships- ending them abruptly or prolonging them unessacarily. Just focus on giving what you can and taking what you should, things will end when they have to. I mean don't just leave it up to faith and be all like, ok not gonna try, but you should'nt go into relationships with the urge to let go immediately, and you should let go when you must.

Have faith that once you've touched someone, they'll always have a special place for you, maybe not where it originally was, but you're there. So in that sense, theres no such thing as losing anyone completely is there? If our beings are temporary then so is our physical presence. Maybe the only permanent things we have are abstract; the experiences we've had, the memories others have of us, and the souls we've touched.

But its nice, to keep in touch. To be able to visit places, special ones, with the people who were once so important to us. Its tough to have to go through good memories alone, like walking through empty houses that you once shared with somebody. Its easiest then to remember it bad, to paint out everything like it was always faulty. But hey, nothing is ever purely good or purely bad, you have to accept two things ; 1) That people are allowed to and will inevitably leave you and 2) You owe it to those who have meant something to you to give them full credit for the good, and you owe it to yourself to give full credit for the bad.

 Alhamdullilah, I keep in contact with a lot of my friends, most of the people who matter are still actively sharing experinces with me. The ones that aren't actively in my life, I can meet up and revisit old places, like I did earlier tonight. And for the ones that I can't, Im grateful that there is not one relationship that I am not thankful for. In retrospect, I've had amazing experiences with people, there is not one relationship where I look back, and the first thing I remember is the bad.

Although its nice to revisit the our memories, its never really the same. Memories may be the nearest reflection of special moments but they are truly never accurate. You can look back with everyone who was there with you or you could look back alone, but you'll never be able to really be in that moment ever again. So ultimately, its important to enjoy what you have, to live in the moment and give it all you've got.

So what we do with the memories?

They are my training wheels. I put them on my back wheels, behind me to remind myself that the past does not define me and I should not keep looking at it, but always there to help me strive on, that I've always always encountered good scenery, even on the bumpiest of roads.

How about you?

Love,
Mirr

Disclaimer ! I have no attachment to this song, it was never 'the song' for me and anybody, not a friend or anything. It just got me thinking of memories and revisiting th past.