2017 and separation

In the face of adversity, life can get kind of discouraging.

Coming to the UK I told myself that the thing I feared the most was losing people due to the move. Be it losing people because the distance made relationships too difficult to maintain, or you know, death, I was really hoping none of that would happen in my first year. I thought, any year but this year, I can handle it, just need to settle down, fall in love with London and my commitment to study first.

Then 2017 came and just splat.

Thats how it felt at first, a big, hopeless, splat.

In January I had to end a long distance relationship with someone I was so incredibly in love and compatible with. Love to the point that it hurts to type it out (my gosh so drama), I can't even describe it really and I didn't even want to for once. I won't even try to do it here. I just wanted to keep the relationship personal and private (I'm an open book IF you haven't already noticed, so this was different and special), and it was hard to swallow that if I was in another place doing other things I wouldn't really have to face the break-up. 

Breaking up from a good relationship is hard in its own way. Its hard because there was so little that went wrong (maybe even nothing?) that its easy to end up at, wait why are we breaking up again? (Then Big Mira tells Small Mira, distance beb, distance) But break-ups are relatively easier to deal with than death. I told myself that I can still be happy and he can still be happy and we didn't end it on a bad note so give it time and we didn't have to lose the companionship if we didn't want to. Even though it was terrible to process and even now I'm still in a weird place about it, on the mostly I got over it, I was okay.

Then in February, I got news that my grandmother passed away. It was both shocking and not, she wasn't sick or anything like that, but she fell ill after a trip to umrah and her body just, never got better. All in all, the falling sick, the devastating hospital visits, the death, it all happened in two weeks. On the day of her death my mom had already told me it was coming, and when face timing her, my dad said ' So I guess this is your last time you'll see her'. That broke me. It broke me to not be home, to not be there for my family when another person driving or staying awake or taking care would've been helpful. I mean, it wasn't like they had any trouble taking care of her, my family bands together pretty well in times of health related crisis, but I wanted to be involved. To take care of my Wan the way she took care of me (I grew up like 70% with her in my first few years of life), to be there for my dad when he needed the emotional support. I just wanted to be there, not a FaceTime away, not a whatsapp away. I was face timing my family the whole evening, but I still felt so, detached. I really didn't expect not to have her to come home to. I still don't know how to feel about that.

So, 2017 has been hard on me. I've cursed the year many times over and just really felt like, not doing life for the rest of the year. I just kept wishing things were different, that I wasn't here. 

I was talking to my friend Archie about how I was feeling, and I stressed how demotivated I felt. It was a conversation over whatsapp and he said this to me 

He said I could go with my feelings or to realise the opportunity I have and make full use of it. I realise that any big decision comes with an extent of sacrifice, and I tried to hope my way out of not having to realise the full consequence of not being with my loved ones. But I had to face it, and now I have a choice; to do my best or to not. And right now, the way I see it, damn i better get a first or none of this is worth it lol.

I told that to Archie too, and he again pointed out that of course its worth being here. He pointed out that I have many friends and I'm learning new things in a way I never can if I was at home. That I gotta not neglect my opportunity but whatever I end up with at the end of the day, me being here is already worth it due to the sheer experience of being here. The whole time I was thinking, damn, when did Archie get so wise?

I talk a lot about how being here is not what I expected it to be. If I was to go into it here this post will never end, but I guess I was almost homesick to the point of disappointment in my first semester. But now, now I'm realising that maybe its not what I expected it to be but thats good too in some ways.

I'm scared of separation. When I was seeing a therapist he pretty much diagnosed me with separation anxiety, which is ironic because here I am, so damn separated from my life back in Malaysia. I talk about moving countries a lot because it affects me a lot, but this recent bout of separation, this facing my anxiety right in the face, its been hard. But its also been positive. I'm learning healthy ways to cope with it all, and I guess I'm only getting stronger. And seeing as how bad my year has started out, I only can go up right?

( #nofailingfirstyearpleaseIcanttakethis #prayforMira)

Yknw what they say,

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

So Imma go now, till next time guys, thanks for reading, as always.

Love from London,

Mira

My everyday

I found Archie and Monika in the refectory. It was the very first day of uni and having spent the past hour making meaningless small talk in a sea of people, I was feeling very lonely. I remember our first conversation centering around how the situation outside (we were inside, seated in the refectory- I came in for the warmth) was not very conducive for breaking the ice. How for the first time ever, we found it so hard to make friends. 

It was my first real conversation of the day.

We stuck to each other because we did not know anybody else. Later during the day I found Lena, who I knew of because we were mutual friends with Abbas (They played in an orchestra together in Malaysia, and I came to watch). We found Tim in one of the introductory talks, sitting quietly next to us. Typical of the generation, our transition from becoming a few people who knew each other to something more, started with a whatsapp group.

Whatsapp groups are important for keeping up to date with the course, you know, just to make sure you have someone to take the lecture notes for you on those days that you're streaming from home. Its also much less intimidating to show up to things with somebody else, or at least have the knowledge that somewhere in this crowd, you have 4 people who you share a whatsapp group with. Its a support system, and thats especially important when you're an international student. And thats what we were, 5 kids who left home to come to uni, and all from different places too (Lena is from PJ, Im from BD, kira different la tu). 

Somewhere along the way, peer support turned to pure friendship. We became default lunch buddies, we dont even check in with each other about who we're having lunch with anymore, its always just each other. We got to know each others perangai/attitudes : knowing never expect to see some of us in lectures, discovering an unexpectedly loud persona after somebody got a little drunk, and shared the different cultures we were brought up with (Monika is from Poland but shes Vietnamese, Archie is from Kazakstan and Tim is from Slovenia, so its a lottt of diversity). 

Today was our last day of attending lectures (we are all not going to bother coming in for lectures tomorrow #thankyouuclforlivestreamandrecordings) and we closed the term with some good old Malaysian food. Lena and I got super excited about watching their reactions, and we all agreed that the roti pisang from Roti King was bomb.com. We parted our ways, everyone will be flying out of London by this weekend, except for me.  

In our goodbyes, Archie said, 'Thank you guys for being my family here'. It made me tear up on the way home, and yes, thats what we've become.

Friends are family we choose.

Being away from home, I appreciate more than ever the friendships I have here. I am forever grateful that there are already a lot of people that I know from home who are here with me. And I'm here, sitting on my bed, spending my first few moments on winter break being grateful for the friendships I have built here. I thought I'd be a loner on my first day here, but now with my everyday crew, my others friends from the School of Pharmacy, and my friends from pole, I'm building my own little home here. 

To my everyday crew, thank you babes, have safe flights cause Ill be here waiting. See you in the new year. I'll miss youuuuu

Love from London,

Mirr

My 20th birthday!

My post is late! I know!

I knew I was going to blog about turning 20, but truth be told, growing up comes with challenges, and man I am beat. I need a little bit of looking on the bright side, and remembering the good things, so here is my birthday in pictures, which turned out to be (one of) the happiest day of my life. I only really took pictures of one event that happened (from many!), but I was blessed the whole day, 3 cakes and surprises on surprises on surprises! It was great, so enjoy.

I think the best part is that, my different friend groups tried to make it special together. Growing up, I was always super paranoid when friends from one gang meet friends from another, but everyone just gelled! I guess its comes with age and maturing, but I'm so glad.

Thank you for your wishes, and the love. I've never felt more appreciated than my 20th birthday, and I owe it all to a great family, and amazing friends. + I got one very unexpected surprise, AJ showed up when I thought she was in the UK! I cried so many tears of joy. I am currently in a place where I do not have many happy words, but they say pictures speak a thousand words, so heres to remembering the good days on all of the bad ones.

Love,

Mirr

Apartment 5

In my first two semesters in KYUEM, I was hardly ever in my assigned room. I was always bunking in one chalet or the other, curled into bean bags and living out of a suitcase, but oh boy it was so fun. All my closest friends welcomed me in and it was a hugeee plus point that the chalets were so much nearer to the acad blocks then the apartments were. It took me half the effort, half the time, half the everything to get to my classes; the apartments were literally on the other side of the world and I dreaded it. 

Coming into senior year all my closest friends had finished their time in KY, flew off to pursue their degrees and left me chalet-less. I had no choice but to settle for the apartment the administration had assigned me to ( accommodation is first come first serve during registration day, and my batch was too big to allow for every girl to be moved into a chalet during her senior year). I decorated my room to the absolute max to make up for it, but after a while, my room turned out to be the best apartment everrrr and its all thanks to Aisyah, Kas and Farr, my roommates.

Farr and I were good friends since TKC times. She's kinda loud and a little bit crazy, but whenever Im sick she literally wipes down my body and feeds me and babies me like the softie mat settle she is. Aisyah I met in KY, we have all the same classes (well, I took econs and she took psychology but we both dropped it after AS) and the system kind of forced us to be together all the time. She has a resting bitch face (and she knows it) + she's more of the quiet kind so I used to be pretty intimidated by her (hi Aisyah, its true, please don't use this against me). But guys she's honestly so kind. She's the only one with a fridge and lets us all come into her room to borrow it and to just hang. Like, we just hang out in her room, its like the relaxation hub, and she's never chased any of us out or anything like that, so most of our great roommate moments were in her room (I miss it almost as much as I miss my own room tbh). And then we have Kas, oh Kassy-ku. Kasthuri, well, she's from Kedah and when I first met her she was a scared little indian girl who just came to the city type. She's cute and talkative and friendly, and we just love teaching her things that would make any naive little indian girl blush. But she's like so sporting, and I've witnessed her grow soooo much. 

Occasionally (read : often) people will come to our room to study, or to hang out. Anisah and Fie we're always just popping in and out (and we'd always know when Fie was coming cause she'd SLAM the door on her way in). Towards the end of it, Adriana was in our room pretty much the whole day, except when she needed to sleep or mandi or things like that. She set up a port at our common room table didn't leave if she didn't absolutely have to. All these people helped make the room cheery and fun.

The way our apartment works is that we pretty much do our own stuff, and let each other have the space to do whatever it is that we want to do. We're pretty different people inherently, but we all respect and learn from each other. In our last semester we were pretty much just studying in our own rooms most of the time. Once in a while, after doing a paper or when we get stressed, one person will walk into Aisyahs room and plonk herself on the bed. Slowly another person joins in, and another, and another. Then everyone forgets the fact that we actually are supposed to be studying and the conversation quickly turns to religion or gossip or sex, you know, the usual 20- something topics. When I get to stressed I'll attempt to twerk and we'd google tutorials on how to do that because its harder than it looks guys! Someone would come in and just randomly ask, 'Kas do you know what oral is?' and we'd have to teach her and watch her eyes bulge out of her head and have a good old laugh in the process.

Most of the stories and pictures we have are way too X rated or personal to be shared so publicly, we were in close quarters so we've literally seen and smelt it all. We weren't always seen with each other stuck like glue outside of our room, but within apartment 5, Id like to say we were pretty damn close. We shared our different views and became wiser after every session, assured each other that you did not have to be fair skinned, big boobed or flat stomach to be beautiful. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think I could ever have gotten more blessed in the roommate department. We balanced each other out, and though we weren't very openly affectionate with each other ( in fact there were some very strong love-hate sentimenta sometimes), I love my roommates. 

I hope everyone reading has the pleasure of meeting people who may not have the same viewpoint as you and learn from them. It makes for lovely friendships, you can take my word for it.

Love, 

Mirr

My feels : 230216

Lonely is a pit I get too comfortable in,

Laze does not feel as good as it used to,

Good feels like having a break you earned,

Realization is like getting all the wind knocked out of your lungs,

Its like getting a chance to breathe all over again.

Forgiveness sometimes feels like I am betraying myself,

Dread is hoping forgiveness felt like being set free,

Truth means I am not as forgiving as I aspire to be,

Hunger is, well its normal, it shouldn't be ignored,

And a full tummy begs for a nap,

Stroking a cat feels like stroking nice hair feels like stroking a fluffy carpet feels like redemption,

Love is different, 

Sweet nothings are nothing and love knows that now,

 Love is sunday morning lay ins and slow dancing in plain clothes,

Love has never felt more real.

Valentines Day ?

Approaching our first Valentines together, Naim asked me multiple times if I'd make a fuss about celebrating the occasion. And I told him that I wouldn't; I've never celebrated Valentines day, its a Sunday so I'm headed back to college, anddddd I wanna celebrate my relationship everyday *hehe*

So, we decided not to do anything fancy, we both had plans anyway and on Sundays I have family over.

But ya know, I painted him a little something in secret.

I asked him to drop by to say goodbye before I went back to College, and when he did, I had a sleepy Ayden (my baby cousin) who didn't want to be put down. I walked out of the house, baby in hand, beaming with pride that I made him something when I told him I wasn't going to be doing anything, ready to be like, Surpriseeeeee, #1 girlfriend, right ?

But Naim, the great guy that he is, had a bouquet of my favourite flowers for me! I ran back in and asked someone else to take over Ayden, cause lets face it, I'd drop him with all that was happening.

So much for not doing anything for Valentines huh. And the hydrangeas aren't even wilted, where did he get these from ?!?!?!

But in all seriousness, I think you shouldn't HAVE to do anything for anyone on the 14th of February. Flowers, chocolates and cards are nice, but its more important to create a relationship that you can be proud of on even the most normal, uneventful days.  

Ayden just asked who gave me the flowers. He's so intelligent, he understands and gets it guys!

Okay scratch that, he just wanted me to play with him.

Gotta go, got some serious train tracks to construct.

Happy Valentines Day everybody !

Love,

Mira

What a year.

2015 was the year of earthquakes.

I started the year with a broken heart, and my life was shaken up from day one. A lot of things changed, against my will, and I was a crying wreck for the most part. The year started with me constantly feeling inadequate, and I fed off the negativity, beating myself up in the process.

Earthquakes though, are the perfect opportunity for reconstruction.

I ended the year feeling happier than I've ever felt, feeling more myself than I've ever been, being the most honest with myself than I ever dared to be. I ended the year, in a good place. In a place where I could chose happiness, where I never really felt lonely, and most importantly, a place where I could love myself.

In 2015, I was at my absolute weakest when I found true love, in the form of open arms, offers to bunk in the corners of people's chalets, and so much patience. I witnessed friends who once saw me at my strongest, love me just as equally as I literally crumbled. Friends who have never seen me anywhere near that weak, hold my hand and told me that I am not a disappointment, that I am okay. Friends that proved that they'd always be there, almost volunteering to hold my hand even if it meant walking through hell with me. I got so much care from a group of girls who had only my weakest to judge me by, they offered me their homes and unconditional love. They loved me so hard, I am still filled to the brim with it, four months after every single one of them moved out of the country. I met a boy who was overflowing with understanding, someone who allowed me to grow, someone who changed all my previous definitions of love.

In 2015, I was so desirably thin, so unhealthy, and so unhappy. I started eating, I started putting health first. I stopped believing in my narrow definition of beauty. I stopped pretending to have skin that I don't have, stopped punishing my body for the simple act of supporting my being. Beauty, I've decided, is a state of mind, not a size or a skin type. It is being comfortable at your very core about the person you honestly are. I fought against my own self, and I won.

In 2015, I went after what made me happy. I came to terms with a whole lot of things, and I pursued what I thought was necessary. In 2015, I achieved genuine happiness and acceptance of myself, and that was harder than any debate tournament, exam or interview. 

2015 was the year that I began to truly, love myself.

I think thats important. You need to create a life that you are proud of, one that you can smile when you're alone reflecting. You need to be able to walk alone in the crowd and be okay, we need to be able to be sure of ourselves. Loving yourself, I've learned, is the prerequisite to loving others properly. It is the basis of making good choices, it is vital in the construction of a life that you can be proud of. 

I want to do for the world what my loved ones have done for me. I want to shock people with my capacity to love, my ability to accept, and my will to keep going. 

I also want to attempt to blog more regularly (hahhaaahahaa, seriously though)

Happy first day of the year everybody, thank you tons for helping me create this space. Its become an important facet of my being, thank you. Good luck with 2016, you have my absolute best wishes.

Love,

Mirr

Loving my body.

I stepped on my weighing scale and realised that I gained 3 kgs in two months. And I'm okay with that. Im okay with that Im okay with that Im okay with that.

Its taken so much for me to be able to be say that and mean it. I've been preaching self love and acceptance for a long time, but in all truth, I'm far from mastering the art.

Growing up, I always wanted to be thin. Not slim, not fit, I wanted to be stick thin, but I never really did anything drastic about it. Sure, I dieted here and there, but never hurt myself for it. My parents made sure I ate my meals and being in a government boarding school, your meals are scheduled and you eat when your friends eat. But last year, a lot of things happened and as a result, I got really sad. I was the type to skip meals when I was stress, but this time, it was different. In hindsight, I did it all because a lot of the time I felt very ugly. I wanted some sort of validation that I was beautiful. The person who I turned to for this validation turned out to be toxic for me, and I pushed out pretty much everyone else. I tried to seek validation from somewhere else, so I turned to my weighing scale, and as a result, changed the way I lived my life. I started with eating less, which turned into eating less frequently, which turned into not eating at all. I got obsessed with measuring my body and weighing myself, and told myself ' If you lose one more kg, you will be beautiful'. I timed how long I could go without food, and kept telling myself, ' You want to be strong right, you can go one more hour'.  I got to a point where I wouldn't eat or drink anything for days and completely lost the ability to enjoy food.

I got what I wanted. I lost 10 kg in a span of a month, I got the thigh gap I wanted. Everyone was telling me how much thinner I looked, everyone noticed and a lot of people we're complimenting me for it.

But here's what I also got. 

Since I didnt eat and I had very little energy, so I spent a lot of my time sleeping. When I couldn't sleep, I would go about life in zombie like trance. I didn't laugh with my friends much, didn't feel excited about anything. I just didn't have the energy to be happy. I also didn't have the energy to do anything. I got tired after walking for 15 minutes, my legs would feel like I had run a marathon, and because of that, I despised going out. I remember walking around with my family, and had to ask them to stop every 20 minutes so I could sit down on a bench to rest, because I would feel like passing out. I couldn't participate in anything without my body hurting. My back ached constantly cause I had nothing but bones to support it and my knees always felt like they were giving out. I sacrificed genuinely enjoying time with my loved ones to be skinny.

My body punished me for the lack of nutrition; my skin broke out so bad, my acne scars took longer to heal. My hair started to fall, and my once thick mane became wispy thin. And the thing is, you don't get healthy immediately after you start eating healthy again, and I'm still paying for my not respecting myself with bad skin and really bad hair fall. My stomach got so used to being empty, every time I tried to eat a proper meal, it would reject it and I would get really bad tummy aches. My friends tell me now that while I was going through all that, I didn't look beautiful and thin, I looked sad. Some people made it a point to make sure I knew that they thought I was not beautiful, and I got a lot of anonymous comments telling me that I look disgusting. I remember vividly a comment that went something along the lines of, ' You might be skinny now but you are still fucking ugly. You can't change that, you look so sick.' It got to my mind too. I entered a vicious cycle where being sad made me starve myself, and starving myself made me sad. Every time I ate, I would feel guilty. Every break down I would have, my mind would respond by saying it my own fault, and that I do not deserve my next meal. 

Who doesn't deserve to eat?

I know I am not the only person out there who has been unhappy with their body, and I know I'm not the first or the last person to make unhealthy choices based on these internal conflicts. But if you are thinking about/ already are hurting yourself to achieve your body goals, hi, this is for you.

Please take my word for it, it is not worth it. Your body is a vessel that was made to protect you, and every single part of it has its functions, yes, even the lumpy bumpy bits that you don't like. Your organs have to go somewhere and darling, they need protecting. Your mother spent 9 months of her life, thats like giving up a whole year, to make that body. Someone invested that much time to make it what it is, you owe it to your mother to take the best possible care of yourself.

You should never feel like you have to lose weight (unless you are severely obese and it poses a risk on your life or something along that tangent). Do not let anyone, even yourself, feel like you need to be smaller than you already are or that you have to change your body. If anything, body types are all a hype anyway. One moment Kate Moss's stick thin body frame is in style, and the next, everyone wants Kim K's booty. Don't worry too much, your body wasn't made to be a hype. Your body was meant to take care of you, and be taken care of. Cherish it, respect it for what it truly is. Plus, who wants to be a trend anyway, you are the only person who can be you. Isn't that cool? So embrace whatever you are, no matter what shape or size you happen to be, literally none can work your body the way you do.

And even if you want to lose weight or tone up, there are healthy ways to do that. You can exercise and eat better. It'll make you feel great too (not that I know la I'm a lazy bum). So please please opt for these methods. It is not fun nor necessary for you to have to put your body through so much pain to look a certain way.

And if you are already in that vicious cycle, reach out to people who genuinely love you. Stay away from people who are insensitive and think its funny to use your insecurities as jokes. These people are toxic, and disrespectful. Instead, surround yourself with people who make you feel like the more weight you gain only means that they have more and more of you to love. Go see a therapist, it helps a ton. Spend one day eating somewhere with light but delicious portions and fall in love with eating again, its not easy but you can get there, trick is to not go head first and down a steak. Fall in love with salads and soups and light meals. If you know anyone who is struggling with things like these, be there for them and surround them with love and positivity. Remind them about qualities that you like, and try not to focus so much on their bodies. Be the person to take them out for a light, nice and delicious meal!

Eating disorders are something almost everyone doesn't understand. While its a fragile, heavy topic, it is one that must be addressed and will truly only get worse if left to be. I hope that with sharing this, its shed some light to the actual gravity the issue. While it is a problem, its ultimately one that is entirely possible to overcome.

At all times, remember you are not your body. You are a soul, you have a body. If you are to worry about anything, it should probably be how beautiful you are on the inside.

Love, 

Mirr

If he leaves me

We were in econs, drawing graphs of some sort when Fie turned to me and asked,

' What will you do if he leaves you?'

I know heartbreak. Ive gone into a relationship which is admitedly my first real experience with love and it came and it left and my life was in shambles when it did. I guess almost all experiences with first loves leave you with some degree of tragedy, a story to remember. I got my fair share of scars to bear. But what happened happened, and I reacted in the ways that I did and I am proud of how far I've come from where I was a little over a year ago.

While I do not appreciate the things some people have put me through, heartbreak brought me a humbling experience. Getting betrayed by someone who I thought was going to be the person I would spend my life with taught me a few things. 

It made me truly understand that what someone does to you is a reflection of that individual, not you. Never let anybodies actions, words and choices define what you think about yourself and I mean this on all fronts. If someone says 'i hate you' he/she is saying that he/she hates you, not that you deserve to be hated, and vice versa. 'I love you' means I love you, not that you deserve to be loved. Statements and actions are extensions of the person doing them, and not mirrors of what you are, let that sink in a little. 

 In the moment, this was the hardest thing to believe. I wallowed in self pity and interpreted everything my ex did to me as a reflection of my worth, and once you get into that pit its hard to get out but hey, I did. If you are going through heartbreak, just hold on to to the fact that what Peter says about Jane says more about Peter than it does about Jane. Nobody can ever define who you are or put a measure to your worth, only you can do that.

I also got a reality check about how dangerous attachments can be. When things started to break, the first thing I felt was that I was absolutely lost. I was the type to be willing to give my life up for a guy, and admitedly, I tailor suited a lot of my life for him. People talk about selflessness like it is the most noble thing in the world, but everything has its limits. I learned to hold on to me, that any real love wouldn't demand for many sacrifices. I mean, I do believe in doing big things for the people you love, but keep some elements in your life as only yours. Whether it be things like how you dress, how you write, what you post on instagram, what you eat or what you do as a hobby, hold on to something separate from your relationship, hold on to something that is exclusively you. Don't get too attached to anything or anyone, you'll miss out on everything else life has to offer and once that thing is gone (and it most probably will go) you will be lost.as.fuck (not a fun place to be). Almost all things are temporary, so be ready for when life gets real. Just remember that temporary things can also be beautiful and ultimately worth it.

We can never own love. Love will come when it has to, and love will go when it must. This is a quote from the poem 'When love arrives' by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye, and oh my did this poem help me understand the non ownership of love. I've linked the video for anyone who might want to watch the poem for themselves here ; 

There were a lot of things I learned from my breakup, but ultimately, I learned that you will be okay and you are literally all you need. You have your life, and it feels amazing to make the choice to live it each and every day.

I am glad I took the time I did to get over it, and that I purged whatever I felt. I am a strong believer of the fact that there is undeniable strength in emotions, and if you need to cry 27 times a week so be it! My purge has made me come to absolute peace with all that has happened, and hey, now Im as ready as ever. Plus, you know how they say don't hate the game, hate the player?

Thats true. Cause Ive stumbled across a gem who asks for nothing but me to be myself.

So what will I do if he leaves me too?

Ill live.