Full time boarder, finding home

Every Sunday, my whole family on my moms side comes over for dinner. Sunday also happens to be the day I go back to college, if I go home for the weekend and thats admitedly, every weekend so far this semester (#manja). Its a bittersweet affair for me really but its nice to be able to play with my baby cousins before I go back to boarding school.

But anyway, before I leave home I say goodbye to everyone and make a fuss about me going back to school and being all like 'Dont miss me too much' or 'Send me Ayden and Alexa videos' and the classic 'Im going back to jaiiiillllll wont you missssss meeeeeee you guys love me riiiight.'

But sometimes I say this :
'Okay guys, its time for me to go back home'

Then I get so mad at myself. What are you saying Mira, KY is not home. How can you betray yourself like this, you are home, you're just going back to prison. Cmon mirr you are not allowed to associate boarding school with the word home, do not tarnish that sacred term !!!!!!!!  >:/

In all truth, I used to say this when I have to go back to TKC as well, it just slips out! (TKC is the high school I went to, which is a fully residential all girls government boarding school which translates to 5 years of regimented lifestyle). As much as it frustrates me, I don't want to call a place that puts so much distance between my loved ones and I as 'home' , I guess, it kind of is.

I spend most of my life at whatever institution I am enrolled into, a much bigger fraction of my time is allocated to me being in boarding school. I sleep in my school bed more than my bed in my house, I eat more meals at the KY's dining hall than in my dining room at home. I see these walls way more than I see the walls at home, I've assimilated, I've become so familiar with my surroundings here, I guess its weird to call it school. Plus, I make connections here, like, my own little KY family.

I've been shipped off to study in different states ever since I was 13, it almost feels weird to be at home for a long period of time. My house is more of like a retreat for me, and I almost cannot be productive at home anymore. So is it fair for me to say my house is my home?

Despite all this, I dont feel like I can comfortably call an educational institution my home.

Once, I tried to find a home in other people. This concept is romantic, but it led me to moulding myself to fit into a whole other persons ideals. I don't think I can do that any more.

I feel like I was raised a nomad, with halfway houses and constantly packing and unpacking my suitcase. The term home can no longer be a physical space for me, neither is it approval from somebody else. Home, I've found, is where I can be who I want to be. It is a place where I can choose to become whoever I want to become, and feel comfortable. Not judged or forced to defend my stances. Ultimately, I am realising that the only home Ill ever have, and need, is within my own self.

Im still building my home, and its proving to be a confusing and interesting personal journey. What with boarding school  and my involvement in debate, open minded yet religious parents and all the acquaintances Ive made, Ive been exposed to both extreme conservative and extreme liberal schools of thought, and a lot of in betweens. And while I want to build my home individually, with my very own chosen values, I am so grateful to have a handful of people who are supporting me, and reassuring me they love me no matter what.

Speaking of boarding school, my sister Dina is spending her last few weeks of being a student in TKC, which means SPM is justttt around the corner. Shes doesnt sneak in a phone to school, cause shes not like her elder sister, but I think she'll read this. All the bestt Dins, find a way to call me! Also, Id appreciate it if you guys doakan her and all, if ikhlas that is ☺️

Alrighty, going to nap now, because thats a huge part of my personality lol. Planning to blog more often, but with Bangsawan and dancing for Diwali, Im not sure if I have much time yikes! Hopefully Ill make time, so ttyl :*

Love,
Mirr

Loving my body.

I stepped on my weighing scale and realised that I gained 3 kgs in two months. And I'm okay with that. Im okay with that Im okay with that Im okay with that.

Its taken so much for me to be able to be say that and mean it. I've been preaching self love and acceptance for a long time, but in all truth, I'm far from mastering the art.

Growing up, I always wanted to be thin. Not slim, not fit, I wanted to be stick thin, but I never really did anything drastic about it. Sure, I dieted here and there, but never hurt myself for it. My parents made sure I ate my meals and being in a government boarding school, your meals are scheduled and you eat when your friends eat. But last year, a lot of things happened and as a result, I got really sad. I was the type to skip meals when I was stress, but this time, it was different. In hindsight, I did it all because a lot of the time I felt very ugly. I wanted some sort of validation that I was beautiful. The person who I turned to for this validation turned out to be toxic for me, and I pushed out pretty much everyone else. I tried to seek validation from somewhere else, so I turned to my weighing scale, and as a result, changed the way I lived my life. I started with eating less, which turned into eating less frequently, which turned into not eating at all. I got obsessed with measuring my body and weighing myself, and told myself ' If you lose one more kg, you will be beautiful'. I timed how long I could go without food, and kept telling myself, ' You want to be strong right, you can go one more hour'.  I got to a point where I wouldn't eat or drink anything for days and completely lost the ability to enjoy food.

I got what I wanted. I lost 10 kg in a span of a month, I got the thigh gap I wanted. Everyone was telling me how much thinner I looked, everyone noticed and a lot of people we're complimenting me for it.

But here's what I also got. 

Since I didnt eat and I had very little energy, so I spent a lot of my time sleeping. When I couldn't sleep, I would go about life in zombie like trance. I didn't laugh with my friends much, didn't feel excited about anything. I just didn't have the energy to be happy. I also didn't have the energy to do anything. I got tired after walking for 15 minutes, my legs would feel like I had run a marathon, and because of that, I despised going out. I remember walking around with my family, and had to ask them to stop every 20 minutes so I could sit down on a bench to rest, because I would feel like passing out. I couldn't participate in anything without my body hurting. My back ached constantly cause I had nothing but bones to support it and my knees always felt like they were giving out. I sacrificed genuinely enjoying time with my loved ones to be skinny.

My body punished me for the lack of nutrition; my skin broke out so bad, my acne scars took longer to heal. My hair started to fall, and my once thick mane became wispy thin. And the thing is, you don't get healthy immediately after you start eating healthy again, and I'm still paying for my not respecting myself with bad skin and really bad hair fall. My stomach got so used to being empty, every time I tried to eat a proper meal, it would reject it and I would get really bad tummy aches. My friends tell me now that while I was going through all that, I didn't look beautiful and thin, I looked sad. Some people made it a point to make sure I knew that they thought I was not beautiful, and I got a lot of anonymous comments telling me that I look disgusting. I remember vividly a comment that went something along the lines of, ' You might be skinny now but you are still fucking ugly. You can't change that, you look so sick.' It got to my mind too. I entered a vicious cycle where being sad made me starve myself, and starving myself made me sad. Every time I ate, I would feel guilty. Every break down I would have, my mind would respond by saying it my own fault, and that I do not deserve my next meal. 

Who doesn't deserve to eat?

I know I am not the only person out there who has been unhappy with their body, and I know I'm not the first or the last person to make unhealthy choices based on these internal conflicts. But if you are thinking about/ already are hurting yourself to achieve your body goals, hi, this is for you.

Please take my word for it, it is not worth it. Your body is a vessel that was made to protect you, and every single part of it has its functions, yes, even the lumpy bumpy bits that you don't like. Your organs have to go somewhere and darling, they need protecting. Your mother spent 9 months of her life, thats like giving up a whole year, to make that body. Someone invested that much time to make it what it is, you owe it to your mother to take the best possible care of yourself.

You should never feel like you have to lose weight (unless you are severely obese and it poses a risk on your life or something along that tangent). Do not let anyone, even yourself, feel like you need to be smaller than you already are or that you have to change your body. If anything, body types are all a hype anyway. One moment Kate Moss's stick thin body frame is in style, and the next, everyone wants Kim K's booty. Don't worry too much, your body wasn't made to be a hype. Your body was meant to take care of you, and be taken care of. Cherish it, respect it for what it truly is. Plus, who wants to be a trend anyway, you are the only person who can be you. Isn't that cool? So embrace whatever you are, no matter what shape or size you happen to be, literally none can work your body the way you do.

And even if you want to lose weight or tone up, there are healthy ways to do that. You can exercise and eat better. It'll make you feel great too (not that I know la I'm a lazy bum). So please please opt for these methods. It is not fun nor necessary for you to have to put your body through so much pain to look a certain way.

And if you are already in that vicious cycle, reach out to people who genuinely love you. Stay away from people who are insensitive and think its funny to use your insecurities as jokes. These people are toxic, and disrespectful. Instead, surround yourself with people who make you feel like the more weight you gain only means that they have more and more of you to love. Go see a therapist, it helps a ton. Spend one day eating somewhere with light but delicious portions and fall in love with eating again, its not easy but you can get there, trick is to not go head first and down a steak. Fall in love with salads and soups and light meals. If you know anyone who is struggling with things like these, be there for them and surround them with love and positivity. Remind them about qualities that you like, and try not to focus so much on their bodies. Be the person to take them out for a light, nice and delicious meal!

Eating disorders are something almost everyone doesn't understand. While its a fragile, heavy topic, it is one that must be addressed and will truly only get worse if left to be. I hope that with sharing this, its shed some light to the actual gravity the issue. While it is a problem, its ultimately one that is entirely possible to overcome.

At all times, remember you are not your body. You are a soul, you have a body. If you are to worry about anything, it should probably be how beautiful you are on the inside.

Love, 

Mirr

If he leaves me

We were in econs, drawing graphs of some sort when Fie turned to me and asked,

' What will you do if he leaves you?'

I know heartbreak. Ive gone into a relationship which is admitedly my first real experience with love and it came and it left and my life was in shambles when it did. I guess almost all experiences with first loves leave you with some degree of tragedy, a story to remember. I got my fair share of scars to bear. But what happened happened, and I reacted in the ways that I did and I am proud of how far I've come from where I was a little over a year ago.

While I do not appreciate the things some people have put me through, heartbreak brought me a humbling experience. Getting betrayed by someone who I thought was going to be the person I would spend my life with taught me a few things. 

It made me truly understand that what someone does to you is a reflection of that individual, not you. Never let anybodies actions, words and choices define what you think about yourself and I mean this on all fronts. If someone says 'i hate you' he/she is saying that he/she hates you, not that you deserve to be hated, and vice versa. 'I love you' means I love you, not that you deserve to be loved. Statements and actions are extensions of the person doing them, and not mirrors of what you are, let that sink in a little. 

 In the moment, this was the hardest thing to believe. I wallowed in self pity and interpreted everything my ex did to me as a reflection of my worth, and once you get into that pit its hard to get out but hey, I did. If you are going through heartbreak, just hold on to to the fact that what Peter says about Jane says more about Peter than it does about Jane. Nobody can ever define who you are or put a measure to your worth, only you can do that.

I also got a reality check about how dangerous attachments can be. When things started to break, the first thing I felt was that I was absolutely lost. I was the type to be willing to give my life up for a guy, and admitedly, I tailor suited a lot of my life for him. People talk about selflessness like it is the most noble thing in the world, but everything has its limits. I learned to hold on to me, that any real love wouldn't demand for many sacrifices. I mean, I do believe in doing big things for the people you love, but keep some elements in your life as only yours. Whether it be things like how you dress, how you write, what you post on instagram, what you eat or what you do as a hobby, hold on to something separate from your relationship, hold on to something that is exclusively you. Don't get too attached to anything or anyone, you'll miss out on everything else life has to offer and once that thing is gone (and it most probably will go) you will be lost.as.fuck (not a fun place to be). Almost all things are temporary, so be ready for when life gets real. Just remember that temporary things can also be beautiful and ultimately worth it.

We can never own love. Love will come when it has to, and love will go when it must. This is a quote from the poem 'When love arrives' by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye, and oh my did this poem help me understand the non ownership of love. I've linked the video for anyone who might want to watch the poem for themselves here ; 

There were a lot of things I learned from my breakup, but ultimately, I learned that you will be okay and you are literally all you need. You have your life, and it feels amazing to make the choice to live it each and every day.

I am glad I took the time I did to get over it, and that I purged whatever I felt. I am a strong believer of the fact that there is undeniable strength in emotions, and if you need to cry 27 times a week so be it! My purge has made me come to absolute peace with all that has happened, and hey, now Im as ready as ever. Plus, you know how they say don't hate the game, hate the player?

Thats true. Cause Ive stumbled across a gem who asks for nothing but me to be myself.

So what will I do if he leaves me too?

Ill live.

The distance that was meant to be

 There are 150 million kilometers between who we were,

And what we are today.

Which is exactly where we are supposed to be.

The sun and the moon are 150 million kilometers apart,

Which is exactly where they are supposed to be.

They keep this balance,

Every time their paths cross,

The whole world goes dark.

I hope you understand why I cannot let that happen.

Our eclipse is over;

I have spent a day too many in night;

I have come to love the light.

I no longer need you to shine.

010815

My weekend has been crazy eventful, to say the least.

I can't even brain how I managed to do everything that I did in one weekend ; amongst the things that I fit in was celebratory dinners, adventures at FRIM, a doa selamat and hosting a bbq. Im so tired, Im actually glad to be on my bed in KY right now. Like nope, no homesickness yet, just enjoying my almond milk and my lemon cakes, glad to be lying down. My roommates even pointed out how tired I looked and told me to sleep, which I should probably do soon because I also happen to have succesfully kept my cough and cold from last week.

(How long is this going to last honestly ?!?!?)

But in all seriousness, I actually had a few events this weekend that lead to some huge epiphanies.

1. Life is precious and fragile, and something that needs to be actively cherished.

I got into a pretty bad accident (while driving) as well as attended a funeral for the father of one of my oldest friends. Both these events made me go through very different emotions, but reach very similar conclusions; to carpe diem the heck out of life. In the accident, I got very lucky. If I wasnt wearing my seat belt or if anything was different about it, I probably wouldn't be typing this right now. I know its a no brainer that life is meaningful, but I feel like so many people live without really actualising that fact, you know ? Like even me, I spend a bit too much time on my phone reading articles and overanalysing song lyrics and overthinking about scenarios that may not even happen that sometimes I forget to enjoy everything around me. And thats important, because you literally do not know when things will end, or whether or not you will get the chance to revisit a moment. And my gosh, take care of your words with people. Try not to go to sleep mad even if it means apologising first, because you don't know which words will be the last you say to a person. Your ego can't be more important than that right? Also, its ultra important to focus on the things and people that matter, and quit wasting you time on things that are toxic and are bad for you, life is wayyy too short for that. I guess this epiphany is one I can't really explain, but when my chest hit my steering wheel, I felt more scared than I ever have been, and I keep reminding myself to be grateful that Im still here, walking and fine and just alive. As a result life just seems so much more, meaningful. 

2. It is actually super important to attend kenduris and events of that sort.

When we were younger all these kenduris and doa selamats and funerals were probably just, things you had to follow your parents for. Or at least for me, it honestly was. I mean, I went without complaining and did everything that I had to every time but I never really saw how important it was to just like, attend. Like why is it rude for me not to go to a kenduri? Whats so important about coming together and praying why cant I do that at home and pray for you? 

Now that Im older, Im going to doa selamats for my actual friends, who I know and have come to love. Im going to funerals of people that I know directly, not just people my parents know. I've realised why people say its rude not to attend kenduris and the likes, because your attendance matters. Kenduris and doa selamats are more than just meeting people and eating food, its a way of showing people that you are here to support them and that you want to help them in prayer, which to me, is pretty special. I mean think about it, someone coming to your house to attempt to wish good things from God just for you, thats pretty intense caring if you ask me. I now view kenduris and doa selamats and funerals totally differently now, their not just a thing we do because its part of our culture, it provides for a platform for reaching out and supporting one another, and why wouldn't you want to do that for the people who have been good to you.

3. You are not the only one transitioning. 

Im at that age in between adolescense and being an adult, and there have been books and movies and songs written about this transition and how tough and conplicated it will be, how you will find yourself etc etc etc. But people tend to forget to write about the transition others are going through because of your transition, case in point, your parents. Now especially if you are the first child, your transition may be hardest on you, but also hard on your parents. It'll be weird to draw lines of where your sovereignity starts and your 'being their child' ends. Your lines and their lines will probably not match, and there will be a lot of frustration because of this but tis life ! Just try and remember that your parents and guardians are humans too, they also need time to adapt to changes. When they're being slightly fussy, its probably not because they want to make your life harder, but its probably because their going through something to but can't go full on whiny because they have to be parents or they're just as lost as you are in what to do when we reach this transition period. Just ride the waves guys, and remember that your folks sacrificed a lot to raise you up, you can afford to be patient.

I was so busy this weekend I hardly have pictures to show for it. But a quick shout outs to : 1. My parents for being the coolest and sorting out my whole getting into an accident , 2. Dina for being the best sister in the world , 3. Saida for my KL scarf from duckscarves and 4. Naim, for being the best get-things-done-and-have-some-fun partner in the universe.

How was your merdeka weekend? 

Love, 

Mirr

Sweet disposition

:)

Hello everyone! First and foremost, I wanna apologise for not blogging as regularly as I used to, semester 3 just started and although its not an exam semester, its definitely a busy one; KY has back to back events from bangsawan, to KY summit to diwali, Im in the midst of Uni application AND  Im not planning on dropping any subjects so my day to day class schedueles are pretty full (aikes, wish me luck with my time management!)

But anyway, excuses aside, my life has been great, Alhamdullilah. Reflecting on my recent stroke of good luck, I've decided to try and incorporate some positive habits in my life;

1. Take the time to be grateful, and let the good happen. I believe this is truly easier said than done, it very easy to be consumed by negativity, I was there for a very very long time, but I've realised that the moment you count the blessing you have instead of the ones you don't have, your life instantly gets better. Also, if you dwell in your misfortunes, you'll probably miss out on the good that comes your way. You'll probably discredit it, and miss out on amazing oppurtunities that could bring you so much joy. There's a silver lining to every cloud, you just have to look out for it.

2. Create a space for yourself, and keep it tidy! Everyone needs a safe place, like literally, it helps so much. I've decked out my room exactly the way I want it, and its so relieving to come back to a space that makes me happy. I try to make my bed no matter how late I am, but it pays so much to come back after a full day of classes, and see everything in its place. Light a few candles and change into your jim jams and everything just seems right. A positive environment makes for a positive life, tried and tested ! 

3. Dont slouch and drink lots of water. Its good for you, nuff said.

4. Acknowledge that different times mean different ways. Treat experience as a great teacher but be open to the fact that things may not be the same the second time round, and thats not a bad thing. Whether it be different exams or new relationships or 'the way kids nowadays socialise is so different' ,  you'll hardly come across the same situation twice. So be open and be prepared for change, because thats the only constant thing in life.

5. Make it up to our parents, not only in the way you want to, but also in the way the want you too. I think its undeniable that we owe our parents something if not everything lol. And its likely that we will dissapoint them a few times, but its most important to keep putting in effort to make them proud. And not just that, because although you might want to give them things like good results and no disipline cases, maybe all they want you to do is be at home or make them a cup of tea or whatever. There is good in giving, and even more when you give in the ways that people want. 

6. Remember your passwords ! Don't be like me kids, I may miss a ky deadline because of this problem. Its not fun, Ill probably get scolded no :'( I've like given a few of my passwords to a certain someone cause I keep forgetting them, can someone create an app for this please ! 

Okay so I have to get back to guessing my password for my kyucas, because I am such a dopehead sometimes and if I end up spending three hours on this I probably deserve it. Ill just end this post by saying that life has been so so kind to me, and it feels like everything is falling into place. Till next time.

(Also please say a prayer for me so that i settle my password problem guys!) 

Love,

Mirr

Things to live by #1

Love,

Mirr