If he leaves me

We were in econs, drawing graphs of some sort when Fie turned to me and asked,

' What will you do if he leaves you?'

I know heartbreak. Ive gone into a relationship which is admitedly my first real experience with love and it came and it left and my life was in shambles when it did. I guess almost all experiences with first loves leave you with some degree of tragedy, a story to remember. I got my fair share of scars to bear. But what happened happened, and I reacted in the ways that I did and I am proud of how far I've come from where I was a little over a year ago.

While I do not appreciate the things some people have put me through, heartbreak brought me a humbling experience. Getting betrayed by someone who I thought was going to be the person I would spend my life with taught me a few things. 

It made me truly understand that what someone does to you is a reflection of that individual, not you. Never let anybodies actions, words and choices define what you think about yourself and I mean this on all fronts. If someone says 'i hate you' he/she is saying that he/she hates you, not that you deserve to be hated, and vice versa. 'I love you' means I love you, not that you deserve to be loved. Statements and actions are extensions of the person doing them, and not mirrors of what you are, let that sink in a little. 

 In the moment, this was the hardest thing to believe. I wallowed in self pity and interpreted everything my ex did to me as a reflection of my worth, and once you get into that pit its hard to get out but hey, I did. If you are going through heartbreak, just hold on to to the fact that what Peter says about Jane says more about Peter than it does about Jane. Nobody can ever define who you are or put a measure to your worth, only you can do that.

I also got a reality check about how dangerous attachments can be. When things started to break, the first thing I felt was that I was absolutely lost. I was the type to be willing to give my life up for a guy, and admitedly, I tailor suited a lot of my life for him. People talk about selflessness like it is the most noble thing in the world, but everything has its limits. I learned to hold on to me, that any real love wouldn't demand for many sacrifices. I mean, I do believe in doing big things for the people you love, but keep some elements in your life as only yours. Whether it be things like how you dress, how you write, what you post on instagram, what you eat or what you do as a hobby, hold on to something separate from your relationship, hold on to something that is exclusively you. Don't get too attached to anything or anyone, you'll miss out on everything else life has to offer and once that thing is gone (and it most probably will go) you will be lost.as.fuck (not a fun place to be). Almost all things are temporary, so be ready for when life gets real. Just remember that temporary things can also be beautiful and ultimately worth it.

We can never own love. Love will come when it has to, and love will go when it must. This is a quote from the poem 'When love arrives' by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye, and oh my did this poem help me understand the non ownership of love. I've linked the video for anyone who might want to watch the poem for themselves here ; 

There were a lot of things I learned from my breakup, but ultimately, I learned that you will be okay and you are literally all you need. You have your life, and it feels amazing to make the choice to live it each and every day.

I am glad I took the time I did to get over it, and that I purged whatever I felt. I am a strong believer of the fact that there is undeniable strength in emotions, and if you need to cry 27 times a week so be it! My purge has made me come to absolute peace with all that has happened, and hey, now Im as ready as ever. Plus, you know how they say don't hate the game, hate the player?

Thats true. Cause Ive stumbled across a gem who asks for nothing but me to be myself.

So what will I do if he leaves me too?

Ill live.

The distance that was meant to be

 There are 150 million kilometers between who we were,

And what we are today.

Which is exactly where we are supposed to be.

The sun and the moon are 150 million kilometers apart,

Which is exactly where they are supposed to be.

They keep this balance,

Every time their paths cross,

The whole world goes dark.

I hope you understand why I cannot let that happen.

Our eclipse is over;

I have spent a day too many in night;

I have come to love the light.

I no longer need you to shine.

010815

My weekend has been crazy eventful, to say the least.

I can't even brain how I managed to do everything that I did in one weekend ; amongst the things that I fit in was celebratory dinners, adventures at FRIM, a doa selamat and hosting a bbq. Im so tired, Im actually glad to be on my bed in KY right now. Like nope, no homesickness yet, just enjoying my almond milk and my lemon cakes, glad to be lying down. My roommates even pointed out how tired I looked and told me to sleep, which I should probably do soon because I also happen to have succesfully kept my cough and cold from last week.

(How long is this going to last honestly ?!?!?)

But in all seriousness, I actually had a few events this weekend that lead to some huge epiphanies.

1. Life is precious and fragile, and something that needs to be actively cherished.

I got into a pretty bad accident (while driving) as well as attended a funeral for the father of one of my oldest friends. Both these events made me go through very different emotions, but reach very similar conclusions; to carpe diem the heck out of life. In the accident, I got very lucky. If I wasnt wearing my seat belt or if anything was different about it, I probably wouldn't be typing this right now. I know its a no brainer that life is meaningful, but I feel like so many people live without really actualising that fact, you know ? Like even me, I spend a bit too much time on my phone reading articles and overanalysing song lyrics and overthinking about scenarios that may not even happen that sometimes I forget to enjoy everything around me. And thats important, because you literally do not know when things will end, or whether or not you will get the chance to revisit a moment. And my gosh, take care of your words with people. Try not to go to sleep mad even if it means apologising first, because you don't know which words will be the last you say to a person. Your ego can't be more important than that right? Also, its ultra important to focus on the things and people that matter, and quit wasting you time on things that are toxic and are bad for you, life is wayyy too short for that. I guess this epiphany is one I can't really explain, but when my chest hit my steering wheel, I felt more scared than I ever have been, and I keep reminding myself to be grateful that Im still here, walking and fine and just alive. As a result life just seems so much more, meaningful. 

2. It is actually super important to attend kenduris and events of that sort.

When we were younger all these kenduris and doa selamats and funerals were probably just, things you had to follow your parents for. Or at least for me, it honestly was. I mean, I went without complaining and did everything that I had to every time but I never really saw how important it was to just like, attend. Like why is it rude for me not to go to a kenduri? Whats so important about coming together and praying why cant I do that at home and pray for you? 

Now that Im older, Im going to doa selamats for my actual friends, who I know and have come to love. Im going to funerals of people that I know directly, not just people my parents know. I've realised why people say its rude not to attend kenduris and the likes, because your attendance matters. Kenduris and doa selamats are more than just meeting people and eating food, its a way of showing people that you are here to support them and that you want to help them in prayer, which to me, is pretty special. I mean think about it, someone coming to your house to attempt to wish good things from God just for you, thats pretty intense caring if you ask me. I now view kenduris and doa selamats and funerals totally differently now, their not just a thing we do because its part of our culture, it provides for a platform for reaching out and supporting one another, and why wouldn't you want to do that for the people who have been good to you.

3. You are not the only one transitioning. 

Im at that age in between adolescense and being an adult, and there have been books and movies and songs written about this transition and how tough and conplicated it will be, how you will find yourself etc etc etc. But people tend to forget to write about the transition others are going through because of your transition, case in point, your parents. Now especially if you are the first child, your transition may be hardest on you, but also hard on your parents. It'll be weird to draw lines of where your sovereignity starts and your 'being their child' ends. Your lines and their lines will probably not match, and there will be a lot of frustration because of this but tis life ! Just try and remember that your parents and guardians are humans too, they also need time to adapt to changes. When they're being slightly fussy, its probably not because they want to make your life harder, but its probably because their going through something to but can't go full on whiny because they have to be parents or they're just as lost as you are in what to do when we reach this transition period. Just ride the waves guys, and remember that your folks sacrificed a lot to raise you up, you can afford to be patient.

I was so busy this weekend I hardly have pictures to show for it. But a quick shout outs to : 1. My parents for being the coolest and sorting out my whole getting into an accident , 2. Dina for being the best sister in the world , 3. Saida for my KL scarf from duckscarves and 4. Naim, for being the best get-things-done-and-have-some-fun partner in the universe.

How was your merdeka weekend? 

Love, 

Mirr

Sweet disposition

:)

Hello everyone! First and foremost, I wanna apologise for not blogging as regularly as I used to, semester 3 just started and although its not an exam semester, its definitely a busy one; KY has back to back events from bangsawan, to KY summit to diwali, Im in the midst of Uni application AND  Im not planning on dropping any subjects so my day to day class schedueles are pretty full (aikes, wish me luck with my time management!)

But anyway, excuses aside, my life has been great, Alhamdullilah. Reflecting on my recent stroke of good luck, I've decided to try and incorporate some positive habits in my life;

1. Take the time to be grateful, and let the good happen. I believe this is truly easier said than done, it very easy to be consumed by negativity, I was there for a very very long time, but I've realised that the moment you count the blessing you have instead of the ones you don't have, your life instantly gets better. Also, if you dwell in your misfortunes, you'll probably miss out on the good that comes your way. You'll probably discredit it, and miss out on amazing oppurtunities that could bring you so much joy. There's a silver lining to every cloud, you just have to look out for it.

2. Create a space for yourself, and keep it tidy! Everyone needs a safe place, like literally, it helps so much. I've decked out my room exactly the way I want it, and its so relieving to come back to a space that makes me happy. I try to make my bed no matter how late I am, but it pays so much to come back after a full day of classes, and see everything in its place. Light a few candles and change into your jim jams and everything just seems right. A positive environment makes for a positive life, tried and tested ! 

3. Dont slouch and drink lots of water. Its good for you, nuff said.

4. Acknowledge that different times mean different ways. Treat experience as a great teacher but be open to the fact that things may not be the same the second time round, and thats not a bad thing. Whether it be different exams or new relationships or 'the way kids nowadays socialise is so different' ,  you'll hardly come across the same situation twice. So be open and be prepared for change, because thats the only constant thing in life.

5. Make it up to our parents, not only in the way you want to, but also in the way the want you too. I think its undeniable that we owe our parents something if not everything lol. And its likely that we will dissapoint them a few times, but its most important to keep putting in effort to make them proud. And not just that, because although you might want to give them things like good results and no disipline cases, maybe all they want you to do is be at home or make them a cup of tea or whatever. There is good in giving, and even more when you give in the ways that people want. 

6. Remember your passwords ! Don't be like me kids, I may miss a ky deadline because of this problem. Its not fun, Ill probably get scolded no :'( I've like given a few of my passwords to a certain someone cause I keep forgetting them, can someone create an app for this please ! 

Okay so I have to get back to guessing my password for my kyucas, because I am such a dopehead sometimes and if I end up spending three hours on this I probably deserve it. Ill just end this post by saying that life has been so so kind to me, and it feels like everything is falling into place. Till next time.

(Also please say a prayer for me so that i settle my password problem guys!) 

Love,

Mirr

Things to live by #1

Love,

Mirr

Back to college : Semester 3

I've re-entered college after what was a very well spent summer break. Its week two already into the semester, and its going pretty well.

Some background info, for those who may not know. I go to KYUEM, thats Kolej Yayasan UEM. The UEM doesn't stand for anything, and if it does, I don't know what it means (lol). *Edit* UEM stands for united engineers malaysia, creds to Thevesh and Naim for pointing this out to be me*  Its a boarding college in Tanjung Malim, Perak, everyone here does A levels, and I quite love it here (best academic institution yet in my opinion) 

So anyway, I thought coming back this semester was going to be tough. One huge (and probably the only) reason was because the senior batch has graduated, so I had to say goodbye to a lot of my friends who I grew very attached to over the last two semesters. I made a bunch of girlfriends who met me when I was literally at my lowest, and who literally nurtured me till I got stronger, it was like having 6 tiger loving moms. I moved into their rooms, I invaded their space, I have cried on their shoulders at an average rate of three times a week but most of all, I found a home in every single one of my girls. A little picture tribute to my bbgs;

I cried buckets the day they left, and I still miss them terribly (and keep in contact quite a lot via random meet ups, snapchat and hours on end on FaceTime). However, Im doing better than I thought I would without them. So here's a little thank you, for loving me so much, that even when you leave, I'm still overflowing with happiness.

So semester 3 is going pretty well. This is traditionally known as, the party semester, or, the semester where you apply to university, and even, the semester before shit gets real. University applications haven't started just yet, since AS results aren't out (thats due this coming Tuesday, yikes! Pray for me!!) so its been pretty chill. I decorated my room real nice (might post about it when I've got it completely done). I had fun during induction, getting to know the juniors and all that, and Im back to my KY routines. My, what do I wear tomorrow routine, my finding a way to go back on Friday and almost always end up with Datin routine (LOVE YOU 10), my read a book in the Saad Square habit. 

Gets way too cold in the library for me, and paper towns was so-so if you want my opinion.

One thing I've really noticed about this semester is my attitude. I feel more, into life (?) more positive and just overall happy. I don't wake up wishing for the day to end anymore, I focus in class more and I've learned to cope better with factors that may knock me off balance. I'm also eating, regularly, healthily, and don't feel guilty at all about it. These may be normal things to another person, but my attitude is a personal achievement for me. I think this is optimism, and I really do love what its doing to me.

So, pretty much thats just it. This post should have come earlier but I've been terribly busy, so apologies for that. Im having a great 3rd semester, not extremely dramatic and eventful (though a lot of events), but its just a nice, stable, calm. I hope it remains this way after results day, just got my slip with my password to check online, and omg guys, this feels so real. Was brainstorming back up plans for life with my classmates just now, but InsyaAllah, I hope hope hope I get to do my degree in the UK as originally planned. Good luck to any of you who are getting your results on Tuesday too!

Also, before I forget. I was thinking of maybe taking pics of my ootd's and posting about what I wear to classes and all, since I admittedly put in quite some effort into what I wear. And Ill be completely honest, lazy days, effort days and everything in between. Wanted to know what you think about this, and about me injecting a bit of a fashion element into my blogging, so leave me a comment!

I hope all of you are having an equally good time, doing whatever it is you are doing.

Love,

Mirr

My Aidilfitri open house! 2015

It was the 3rd day of Syawal today and my family hosted a small open house. In malay cultures, Aidilfitri is a month long celebration and some people host open houses for people to come and indulge in good company and good food. 

This year we didn't fully cater so I was extra busy. Still had a lot of friends over and it was so great to see them, some of them are flying off for university soon so I made it a point to invite them since it may be their last raya in Malaysia for a while.  Nothing much to say except Im proud of my flower arrangements (I do the flowers for all family functions cause I like to pretend Im a florist and its cheaper). I'll just let the pictures tell you how the day went 

With my best friend of 9 years, Saida 

A little SKBD reunion, missing is Arman and Saida because they had to leave earlier

The World Schools Debating Championships 2013 reps from Malaysia, we went to Istanbul together. They all coincidentally matches and totally left me out 

5 years going strong 

Dina and I post open house, tired but satisfied.

Every night, after the open house, my moms side comes over and we eat the leftovers, order pizza (and its tradition in our family that the kids will pay for this) and play fireworks. Waiting for everyone to come back so we can get started on that, and can't waittttt to wash my hair haha.

Also, I forced everyone into recording a short video dubsmash, which I felt was so cute! Thanks everybody for layaning me hehe. You can check it out on my instagram by clicking one of the pictures on the instagram feed at top of my blog.

Overall, greatttt day. 

Love,

Miraa