Quick update!

Hi!

So Im finding that its really hard for me to express myself (or the person Ive become) in writing. Or at least not the type of writing I normally do on here, if anything, all I write now is vague poetic-ish stuff. Ill be posting a lot more on there platforms:

Instagram : @ilmiramurni

Tumblr : ilmiramurni.tumblr.com

Expect a lot more picture, and your occasional instastory rant. 

Keep it real, keep it chill

Love,

Mirr

Intro to pole

You never really forget your first pole sit

"Hands up high above your head, you want to hoist yourself up, cross one leg above the other" Lauren, my instructor tells the class "let go of your hands then SQUEEZE SQUEEZE SQUEEZE"

You never really forget your first pole sit because that burn between your thighs... oh baby

On friday practise I (along with other beginners) go to the studio to practise our sits. We tell our friends in the studio 'Dammit! That hurts!' We tell the more experienced polers it hurts, as if they dont already know. We ask them if it'll ever stop hurting and they laugh (cause it wont)

But they also tell us that the pole will make us stronger. 

They were right

Pole gets a bad rep. Its known to be a 'sexy dance' and a lot of people forget all the strength and resilience that the art demands. Heck I know some people wouldn't even consider it a sport. I mean, you try invert into a crucifix and tell me that its not a sport. Its one hell of a demanding sport; theres a lot of core strength, flexibility and pain tolerance involved. Theres a lot of technique, a WHOLE LOT of getting to know your body, a lot of trusting yourself. And OF COURSE its sexy, but its so much more than that.

Its so much more than that to me.

See Im not the sporty type. Im not even the healthy type, I remember not being able to lift up a vacuum. I remember idealising a stick thin body figure to the point that Id starve myself for it, challenge myself to see how long I could go without food. I had a point when my relationship with food and my body was so bad I needed to get help for it, and even after that was over, I still kept obsessing over weighing scales and body figures and beat myself up about gaining a kilogram. 

When I started pole that changed. I think at that point my eating habits were alright but my mindset was still 'Mira you ate so much, BAD!'. My mindset was still structured to think skinny = achievement. So what changed when I started pole was I started associating achievements with acing that spin/nailing that invert/holding that pose. I started worrying less about being skinny and focused more on being stronger, and its such a rewarding sport because you have to take the time to get to know the way your body was made. You come back every week and you can clearly track your progress and witness your body change. I think the transformation your body goes through with pole is one of the most obvious and rewarding things anyone can go through. And its not a competitive sport so its just you, your body, your mind and the pole. 

On top of the nature of the sport being so rewarding and positive, I started pole in UCL and the society is one of the most open, supportive and helpful bunch of people Ive met to date. You forgot to shave your armpits? Thats cool. You're not a size two? Who cares. You wanna go pray before you pole it up? No thats not weird. Every Friday the committee sets the poles up and members can come in and out whenever you want, practising any move you want, so its the time polers from all different levels meet each other. Not once have I struggled with a move and not had someone with more experience come to help me out. Every time you nail something, someone cheers. Everybody is happy to offer to teach what they know and show you the way around the poles. And you can find people from everywhere, from all types of backgrounds and stories. The society welcomes anyone and everyone.

I have nothing but good things to say about pole and this years committee. This years committee has worked so hard to facilitate everyones growth and learning, and make sure theres lots of glitter in the process. I couldn't have had a more caring and lovely bunch of people welcoming me into this art that I love, and if any of you are reading this thank youuuu sooooo muchhhhh

Im so happy I found pole, and Im so happy with where its got me with my body and mind. Im the heaviest I've been in my life, but Im also the strongest and pole has taught me to be comfortable with looking at my chunky lumpy bits in the mirror and count what matters- and that is being able to rely on yourself to pull yourself up when you're upside down. 

Heres to more happy years on and off the pole

Love from London,

Mirr

2017 and separation

In the face of adversity, life can get kind of discouraging.

Coming to the UK I told myself that the thing I feared the most was losing people due to the move. Be it losing people because the distance made relationships too difficult to maintain, or you know, death, I was really hoping none of that would happen in my first year. I thought, any year but this year, I can handle it, just need to settle down, fall in love with London and my commitment to study first.

Then 2017 came and just splat.

Thats how it felt at first, a big, hopeless, splat.

In January I had to end a long distance relationship with someone I was so incredibly in love and compatible with. Love to the point that it hurts to type it out (my gosh so drama), I can't even describe it really and I didn't even want to for once. I won't even try to do it here. I just wanted to keep the relationship personal and private (I'm an open book IF you haven't already noticed, so this was different and special), and it was hard to swallow that if I was in another place doing other things I wouldn't really have to face the break-up. 

Breaking up from a good relationship is hard in its own way. Its hard because there was so little that went wrong (maybe even nothing?) that its easy to end up at, wait why are we breaking up again? (Then Big Mira tells Small Mira, distance beb, distance) But break-ups are relatively easier to deal with than death. I told myself that I can still be happy and he can still be happy and we didn't end it on a bad note so give it time and we didn't have to lose the companionship if we didn't want to. Even though it was terrible to process and even now I'm still in a weird place about it, on the mostly I got over it, I was okay.

Then in February, I got news that my grandmother passed away. It was both shocking and not, she wasn't sick or anything like that, but she fell ill after a trip to umrah and her body just, never got better. All in all, the falling sick, the devastating hospital visits, the death, it all happened in two weeks. On the day of her death my mom had already told me it was coming, and when face timing her, my dad said ' So I guess this is your last time you'll see her'. That broke me. It broke me to not be home, to not be there for my family when another person driving or staying awake or taking care would've been helpful. I mean, it wasn't like they had any trouble taking care of her, my family bands together pretty well in times of health related crisis, but I wanted to be involved. To take care of my Wan the way she took care of me (I grew up like 70% with her in my first few years of life), to be there for my dad when he needed the emotional support. I just wanted to be there, not a FaceTime away, not a whatsapp away. I was face timing my family the whole evening, but I still felt so, detached. I really didn't expect not to have her to come home to. I still don't know how to feel about that.

So, 2017 has been hard on me. I've cursed the year many times over and just really felt like, not doing life for the rest of the year. I just kept wishing things were different, that I wasn't here. 

I was talking to my friend Archie about how I was feeling, and I stressed how demotivated I felt. It was a conversation over whatsapp and he said this to me 

He said I could go with my feelings or to realise the opportunity I have and make full use of it. I realise that any big decision comes with an extent of sacrifice, and I tried to hope my way out of not having to realise the full consequence of not being with my loved ones. But I had to face it, and now I have a choice; to do my best or to not. And right now, the way I see it, damn i better get a first or none of this is worth it lol.

I told that to Archie too, and he again pointed out that of course its worth being here. He pointed out that I have many friends and I'm learning new things in a way I never can if I was at home. That I gotta not neglect my opportunity but whatever I end up with at the end of the day, me being here is already worth it due to the sheer experience of being here. The whole time I was thinking, damn, when did Archie get so wise?

I talk a lot about how being here is not what I expected it to be. If I was to go into it here this post will never end, but I guess I was almost homesick to the point of disappointment in my first semester. But now, now I'm realising that maybe its not what I expected it to be but thats good too in some ways.

I'm scared of separation. When I was seeing a therapist he pretty much diagnosed me with separation anxiety, which is ironic because here I am, so damn separated from my life back in Malaysia. I talk about moving countries a lot because it affects me a lot, but this recent bout of separation, this facing my anxiety right in the face, its been hard. But its also been positive. I'm learning healthy ways to cope with it all, and I guess I'm only getting stronger. And seeing as how bad my year has started out, I only can go up right?

( #nofailingfirstyearpleaseIcanttakethis #prayforMira)

Yknw what they say,

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

So Imma go now, till next time guys, thanks for reading, as always.

Love from London,

Mira

On being present

So the real reason why I haven't been posting on here at all lately is because I've found that I'm in quite a dry spell when it comes to writing here, and thats been because I've been feeling really odd.

The word to describe it best is sub-par. Not unhappy, not depressed. Not even a little bit sad. Just feeling like Im not feeling what Im supposed to feel coming to London. I worked myself for the longest of times to get here, but when I did get here, I really just wanted to go home.

See, thats the other thing. I didn't feel like it should be something I should talk about so openly. I'm aware that me being in my dream university under my dream scholarship is something that is of great privilege. I know so many pray for this and that I got really lucky with the cards life dealt me in terms of education. I was really scared of being labelled 'tak bersyukur' (ungrateful) in my attempt at being honest and I didn't want to complain. I mean, I got exactly what I wanted.

But I did feel sub-par, and while thats a whole other blogpost in itself, it is the main reason why I couldn't write anything here. I wanted to write about how happy and wonderful and amazing things were. And whilst I always found London to be a city easy to fall in love with, my first term here was just so 

sub-par.

A hugeeee chunk of my sub-par ness stemmed from the fact that I left so many people that I love back in Malaysia- one plane ticket and I have a long distance relationship with 70% of the people closest to me, and I kept indulging in the lonely thought of forever being left out (huge FOMO issues). I'm super close to my family, so it was really hard to know that I'll be missing out on so many dinners and stay-cations. My best friend was in Malaysia and I couldn't spontaneously barge into her house and of course, I tried for a while to maintain a relationship spanning oceans. I guess theres nothing particularly unique to my feeling homesick, its natural. But it all lead me to wishing I was home instead of here.

Long distance relations of any sort are hard, and not everyone is cut out for it. I started the year embracing the fact that I'd have to stop trying with one of my relationships. I think thats when the weight of what I have to sacrifice - by default of being so far away from so many people - hit me. I don't really want to go into the details of my getting over it but losing this bond did make me realise something huge. Something that was so damn obvious but yet so pivotal in my ability to enjoy myself here, and that was

Mira, you'll never be in Malaysia while you're in London.

I know it sounds pretty dumb that I didn't really truly embrace that, but I really didn't okay! I kept wishing myself to be home all the time, so much so that I was just ended up in between nothing. One of my friends pointed out to be that Im not present, and thats when the eureka moment happened. Thats when I realised that how the hell am I gonna see London if all Im looking at is Malaysia?!?! That I've been living in my head this whole time.

Though this may seem a little like a complain-ey post, I mean for it to be quite the opposite. This is a, I was really complain-ey but now I have gotten over my self and now, now Im moving on. Is it too late to make new years resolutions?

I'm going to be present. No, actually, I already am present. Im here now, fully. Where I have full responsibility over my body, where it will not eat if I decide not to go to the groceries. Where milk is so fresh and so cheap and finding curly kale isn't like trying to find the cure for cancer. In London, long walks feel like leisure and I wear sneakers almost all of the times despite not owning a single pair a little over 6 months ago. Here, the rain goes pitter patter and the skies are bluer because there aren't as many clouds. The sun is a privilege that I will willingly walk twice as far to enjoy. Im here in a place with some super peng fried chicken down the road and the hydrangeas are green instead of blue. I sleep with the windows drawn and the sun wakes me up, the cold whips against my face to remind me that i am here i am here i am here. Every tube station presents itself with a different character. The days look like literal grey some days and I've fallen in love with spinning on poles.
I am exactly where I dreamed of being.

So I guess its true, to make an end is to make a beginning.

Love from London,

Mirr.

My everyday

I found Archie and Monika in the refectory. It was the very first day of uni and having spent the past hour making meaningless small talk in a sea of people, I was feeling very lonely. I remember our first conversation centering around how the situation outside (we were inside, seated in the refectory- I came in for the warmth) was not very conducive for breaking the ice. How for the first time ever, we found it so hard to make friends. 

It was my first real conversation of the day.

We stuck to each other because we did not know anybody else. Later during the day I found Lena, who I knew of because we were mutual friends with Abbas (They played in an orchestra together in Malaysia, and I came to watch). We found Tim in one of the introductory talks, sitting quietly next to us. Typical of the generation, our transition from becoming a few people who knew each other to something more, started with a whatsapp group.

Whatsapp groups are important for keeping up to date with the course, you know, just to make sure you have someone to take the lecture notes for you on those days that you're streaming from home. Its also much less intimidating to show up to things with somebody else, or at least have the knowledge that somewhere in this crowd, you have 4 people who you share a whatsapp group with. Its a support system, and thats especially important when you're an international student. And thats what we were, 5 kids who left home to come to uni, and all from different places too (Lena is from PJ, Im from BD, kira different la tu). 

Somewhere along the way, peer support turned to pure friendship. We became default lunch buddies, we dont even check in with each other about who we're having lunch with anymore, its always just each other. We got to know each others perangai/attitudes : knowing never expect to see some of us in lectures, discovering an unexpectedly loud persona after somebody got a little drunk, and shared the different cultures we were brought up with (Monika is from Poland but shes Vietnamese, Archie is from Kazakstan and Tim is from Slovenia, so its a lottt of diversity). 

Today was our last day of attending lectures (we are all not going to bother coming in for lectures tomorrow #thankyouuclforlivestreamandrecordings) and we closed the term with some good old Malaysian food. Lena and I got super excited about watching their reactions, and we all agreed that the roti pisang from Roti King was bomb.com. We parted our ways, everyone will be flying out of London by this weekend, except for me.  

In our goodbyes, Archie said, 'Thank you guys for being my family here'. It made me tear up on the way home, and yes, thats what we've become.

Friends are family we choose.

Being away from home, I appreciate more than ever the friendships I have here. I am forever grateful that there are already a lot of people that I know from home who are here with me. And I'm here, sitting on my bed, spending my first few moments on winter break being grateful for the friendships I have built here. I thought I'd be a loner on my first day here, but now with my everyday crew, my others friends from the School of Pharmacy, and my friends from pole, I'm building my own little home here. 

To my everyday crew, thank you babes, have safe flights cause Ill be here waiting. See you in the new year. I'll miss youuuuu

Love from London,

Mirr

How its been so far

Its nearing the two month mark of my time here in London, and I know, I haven't written about it enough. The whole experience has been a new sort of growing up, and I get caught taking it all in and forget to make time to blog about it. But I'm up now and I have killer cramps that won't let me sleep so come, story time

I love uni. 

The teaching here is different, in the way that university is meant to be different. You have so much more responsibility over your own learning. There are no compulsory lectures, teacher don't get to know you on a personal one-on-one basis, nobody is reminding you what to do when and definitely nobody is going to tell you what should be more important. You get to decide your priorities, and you have the choice to try your best, or well, not try at all. See I knew this, but I didn't know it, you know? I didn't know what it means for skipping classes not to be a luxury and just, a choice. I never not had friends or teachers who would remind me that I have this to do and that to complete. I don't have to care if I don't want to quite frankly, and this predicament has made me do one thing : 

care very deeply.

Which is good. This is not to say that I am hunched over my desk scoring 98/100 on all my assignments, but it does mean that I'm finally genuinely caring. Finally genuinely interested, curios and intrigued. I don't think this is exclusive to UCL, but being in uni has made me fall in love with learning. I admit, I've been sort of blessed with learning but I never really loved it. But now, I do.

I walk to and back from school everyday, except you know if its raining and didn't bring an umbrella, or my toes are bleeding, or I'm really really really late. Its not a short walk to be honest..... takes me around 20 minutes if I'm rushing, 40 minutes at a relaxed pace. I have 9 ams everyday (I KNOW RIGHT) so I wake up at around 6.45. On average, I end at about 3 pm, but some days are earlier and some days are later. The walk to school is really nice, I pass a canal so its like pretty. Theres a road I cross everyday that I feel like I might die at (lol) because its so busy and if you're a second too late you might just get run over. I have to sprint a little and it always manages to wake me up for my 9 am lectures. Its gucci baby.

I also am taking up pole dancing (!!!). I've always wanted to try and since my uni offers it for quite cheap, I did try and I've fallen in love. My plan is that with all my walking and my pole 2 times a week, I come home with killer abs and a hot bod. Also it's good for me and all that, so yeah thats good too. I'm both healthier and more unhealthy here. I exercise so much more just by virtue of all the walking I do and since I cook my meals, I control what goes into my body. But on the other hand, a 3L bottle of coke is so cheap, and I always seem to have one on my desk so.......

Its all about balance right?

I've made friends here! Like good friends. Good enough for me to crash in their rooms for a nap between classes because my room is so far away. I will tell you more about my new friends in another post. And also about pole dancing and all that jazz. 

Living alone is actually quite nice. I thoroughly enjoy it, and I now have come to a point where I don't feel awkward being alone with myself. I think thats a huge milestone, and I'm proud of me for getting there. You gotta be cool with chilling with yourself yknw?

So other than some complications opening up a bank account, and having period cramps in winter, I'm really starting to like it here. Feeling a lot less like a foreigner, and feeling a lot more like a part of this busy metropolis. I think if London was a color, it would be like silver, and I'm totally into silver.

Also its so much colder than it should be right now! People say it only got this cold in January past years. CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL GUYS, HELP.

Hope everyone is doing okay. If you're not, please make yourself some hot chocolate.

Love from London,

Mira

Rindu 1

I miss Malaysian sunsets.

How all the colors in the sky melt into an exploding gradient, an orange, pink and blue sorbet if you will. Contrasting colors entwining together as easily as my fingers with yours, whilst walking - at a pace so lax it is almost a waltz - down a road which you have welcomed me to call home. The days here dont end with sunsets. There is no dragged out period for comfort and contemplation with company and cuddles, no melting sky or smitten hearts. The birds don't fly across the horizon, because quite frankly, London pigeons are much too fat. No music blasting Thunder to remind me that just like the day, summer comes to an end, but even then its all beautiful. We were, beautiful.

No, here, there is sun up and sun down. When the day is done, it turns dark, and on the mostly, I am fingers in pockets and reflecting on the day Ive had. It is direct, focused - much like the student I aspire to become. Straight to the point, get it over and done with. I have worked to come to a city of workers, and with years of prayers, hopes and dreams in tow, I am grateful to be here, experiencing these sunset-less days. I am living my dream.

But sometimes I crave the Malayan sunsets, a time you call 'the golden hour.' I even miss the KL jams we got stuck in, the residue of sun on our faces, comfortable even in silence. We've sat in cars, cafes and couches together while the sun was bidding the sky adieu, all the while knowing that with every rolling sunset together, our goodbye was only going to be tougher. But for all the ease in this world, I would not give up the pleasure of witnessing the world transition from day to night with someone who transitioned from stranger to most treasured company, if it meant this would be any easier for me.

Love from London,

Mirr

Super cozy

Its been about two weeks since I've arrived in London, and I think its safe to say that I have gotten used to the most things here. The cold still gets to me, and my skin is still adjusting to the weather, but other than that, I'm beginning to be able to get past the whole 'every is new' view point and take some time to really appreciate the things around me. I'm also learning a whole lot about myself, but one thing I did not expect is how much I appreciate coziness.

While most people would be out are enjoying the combination of freshers events, a newfound freedom that comes naturally with zero supervision and the fact that studies aren't too crazy just yet, I am coming to realise that there is no place I'd rather be than in my bed with some hot chocolate in hand. I enjoy cleaning my room, I talk to my plants and discounts at grocery stores make me more excited than anything. I'm trying to get into the habit of cooking actual, whole meals and bringing packed lunch to uni so I can save some money and sit in the park opposite my faculty. I love keeping warm - though its still a little aesthetic>warmth for me, but my logic is I need to wear all my cute not-so-warm outfits asap cause its only going to get colder #winteriscoming.

Usually, I'm asleep by 10.30pm and I'm awake by 7am. Even now (10.34) my body is already begging me to get under the duvets. In short, I'm turning into my mother.

It's not all that bad, but it definitely is surprising to me. I was the girl in the Facebook group asking about freshers wristbands 3 weeks before enrolling, but it turns out that Mira is actually full on domestic house cat. Ayah would be super pleased to know that its bed over clubs any day for me LOL.

But I guess thats what solitude does to you; it teaches you about yourself. 

Don't get me wrong, I've made friends guys! But most of the time I'm just doing things by myself. It's different, its not like a depressing kind of I'm alone, but its like, independence. And its good. Its not special or anything, everyone here is just totally relying on themselves more than anything, you don't really have a choice! But I'm enjoying it, I feel like a mature block of cheese.

Okay guys, wayyyy past my bedtime, I'll talk you to all soon

Love from London,

Mira

How do I make friends again?

I think I'm a friendly person.

Being an extrovert is something I definitely identify with. And despite some people telling me that I may come off as slightly intimidating, I'd like to think I'm pretty approachable, pretty friendly, pretty kool.

So the whole of last week I had induction, which was my first real encounter with being in university. I know, I know, inductions aren't usually reflective of what really goes down and tend to be boring and dragged out, but I was quite excited for it. It might have been the whole 'I travelled so far and worked so hard to be here' mindset, but yes, I was starry-eyed and snapping pictures to send to my loved ones. I think UCL is beautiful, and since I have to walk to get everywhere, I've been feeling rather touristy in my campus. But anyway, thats besides the point.

So I was excited; excited to see the faculty, excited to make new friends, excited to enter this whole new independent uber adult chapter in life. The least of my worries was making new friends because, hey, I'm friendly, I'm an extrovert, I make friends all the time. Easy peasy, piece of cake.

But oh mannnnnnnnnnn, I was wrong.

Being in a place where nobody knows anything about you, at all, makes you feel very small. Now that coupled with the fact that you are a foreigner, theres a crowd where everyone flocks with people who look like themselves and you don't really fit in into any place (#ethinicallyambigious) I was, perhaps for the first time in absolute years, really scared of making new friends.

Ah yes, I, Ilmira, all smiles and super talkative wanted to crawl into a ball and die of nervousness. 

I know it all sounds negative, but I'm not taking it has a total bad thing. Part of the reason why I wanted to come to a different country was to push my boundaries, get out of my comfort zone, and man its doing just that. In Malaysia, in almost every new place I'm at, theres bound to be someone who's heard of me somewhere; whether its from debate, or some super juicy gossip, or a friend of a friend, all this pre-knowing made it so easy for me to make friends. But now, when all that is gone, now what do you do Mirr, NOW WHAT.

I've been fighting the urge to pick up my phone and text my significant other. Been making the initiative to start the convo first, and yes, it gets weird after 5 minutes of silence, you're sitting next to this girl and the both of you are just...sitting there.... and turning around and saying 'HI' now would be a little weird but hey, DO IT. Making conversation is as easy as asking basic questions like, 'Are you from London?' , 'Its cold isn't it?' , 'What did you do yesterday?'. And the worsttttt thing that could happen is the conversation goes a little flat, but the best thing that could happen, you find someone who teaches you a lot, who helps you develop and is all around a great person to know and be with.

So yeah, this post is just a little shoutout to everyone who's ever or is currently struggling with making new friends. I know its not easy.  But I'm pretty sure everyone is feeling a little nervous too, so go ahead and say hi, compliment someone on something, complain about the weather to a stranger, do something. And on the worst of your days, remember that its completely normal, and even the most friendly/open/outgoing of people who share their lives on the internet (like me lol) gets a little nervous too.

Love from London,

Mirr

Im in London!

Greetings from London! 

It is currently 9.11 pm and Im snuggled in my bed, in a room which will be home for the next 9 months or so. Its a really nice room, in a really nice building, so I like it a lot. Haven't got the chance to meet many people yet though, so far only met 1 out of the 4 people I'm sharing my kitchen with. In any case, I now have Giovanni Grey to teman me in this room. She's a hot water bottle and my closest friend.

I reallllly like London. I've only been here for 2 days, but I feel like I'll fall in love with it easily. The weather right now is perrrrfect, we still get a lot of sun and at most all you need is a light jacket. My naive little heart is praying it'll stay like this forever (because I really cannot tahan sejuk one) but alas, winter is coming.... 

One thing I'm quite surprised about is how I haven't bumped into anybody at all. You'd think with the number of people studying in London nowadays you'd just terserempak with people every 5 minutes, but no. It hasn't been the case at all. I guess you really could very easily isolate yourself from the world and really not meet anybody. Being in the city, with the added knowledge that I will be living here alone, makes me feel small though not exactly in a bad way. Honest to goodness, I feel like nobody here knows anything about me (which is actually true la hah...) and I get to introduce myself complete clean slate to everybody. Its both exciting and a little scary. I'd like to say I'm quiteeee the friendly type, so its new to me that I feel kind of nervous now. Got to push past it though, probably just a newcomer thing.

Settling in has been quite a breeze. Ibu came to help me settle down, and being the compulsive planner that she is, I memang did not have to worry about much lah! I've got all basic necessities and have even personalised my room a little bit. The only thing is my BRP hasn't arrived yet, so a lot of things have to be put on hold. A BRP is this permit that you need to do things like open a bank account, and enrol into uni, so its really quite important. Slightly frustrated that its not here yet, but then again, what to do kan. C'est la vie life goes on. Though my current predicament does come with its perks, I had more time to just walk around and on my first day here, I went to see my uni and guys...

its beeeeaauuuttttiiiiffffullllll

This picture does it no justice at all. There were people just lazing and santai-ing around, and the sun was out, and I legit teared up. It felt like one of those movies when these gates open up to this big mansion and the sprinklers are on and everything is magnificent, except this time its my dream school ya feel. Induction starts tomorrow, and I'm really excited for it!!!!

i'm in uni?!?! i can't believe it I mean

this girl is in uni

I know it hasn't even started yet really, but its just really surreal to know that I actually already boarded that plane and am actually in this room that I applied for. I am both very happy/grateful, but leaving KL was really hard. I've never really been completely alone, always family an hour away, friends who I move in with or yknw, someone I'm dating nearby (lol, keep it real tho). The last week was a lot of tears and the airport was just, everyone was crying! Except maybe Ayden, Ayden was really scared because everyone was crying. Kesian the boy haha. I'm still really grateful that leaving was hard for me, cause man if it was easy then I must've lived a pretty miserable life.... Jokes aside, I'm going to make all this being away from the people I love worth it, and give this next few years a proper go.

Also guys I found cili padi!!!!!! 

Okay London, you have cili padi, I officially have no grudges against you.

Talk to you guys soon!

Love,

Mira

Productive Past-times : Documentaries

I've come to a point in my life where spending hours on my phone just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I used to be on youtube, clickbait video after clickbait video, indulging in every single production buzzfeed puts out on the internet, willingly getting myself stuck in that whirlwind that seems almost inescapable. I don't mean to sound wiser than thou when I say this but honestly, I'm over it.

Other than my weekly dose of Jenna Marbles, what I really enjoy doing whilst I'm alone at home lounging in bed, car-less and fret free, is watch documentaries. I find them educational, eye-opening and nicely produced. I feel educated after watching documentaries (cheh) as stuck up as it sounds. I've decided to list down a few documentaries which I truly enjoyed, and hey, maybe the next time you are consciously 'wasting time' you can tune in on these too!

1. Maternity Leave and Why the United States is the Only Developed Nation Without it

 - Broadly

Broadly makes some amazing documentaries, I'll suggest more than one from their channel in this post, but this documentary is hands down one of the most insightful ones I've had the pleasure of watching. I was so shocked to find out that America does not in fact have mandatory maternity leave (did you guys know this), but this documentary offers more than that. It looks into 3 main countries as case studies, USA with no mandatory policies on maternity leave, Papua New Guinea which is the only other nation with no mandatory maternity leave policies, and Sweden with one of if not the best family leave policies in the world. This documentary also offers insights on American policy makers who believe that family/maternity leave bring harm to both social justice and the economy, and opened up my eyes to the idea of paternity leave. A must watch, if you have an hour to spare. Just click here.

2. The Land of No Men : Inside Kenya's Women Only Village 

- Broadly

I first came across the idea of matriarchal villages whilst scrolling through tumblr, and was happy to find a documentary on it. This was my first Broadly documentary, and I loved how the presenter presented this documentary. Matriarchal villages in a deeply patriarchal nation is something that is both amazing and tugs at my curiosity. This one is more light-hearted but just as insightful, click here to watch.

3. Cult Leader Thinks He's Jesus

 - Vice

I think books and documentaries about cults are intriguing, like whoa, these people exist and are real. This documentary explores a cult which seem to live a very peaceful, idyllic life, worshipping a leader who claims to be Jesus Christ. In general, Vice makes lots of documentaries which are equal parts educational and shady. Click here to watch this documentary, and check out Vice as well if you have the time!

4. What It's like to be Intersex

- Buzzfeed Yellow

I always knew that being intersex was possible, but was never aware of the issue of children being forced to undergo surgeries which quite frankly, weren't truly necessary. For those of you who don't know, being intersex means being born with both characteristic male and female genitals, the malay term for it is kunsa. This video is short (less than 4 minutes) but is documentary like, and opened my eyes up to the whole intersex issue.  If you want to learn more, pleaseeeee take some time to watch it here.

5. Grace Neutral Explores Korea's Illegal Beauty Scene

- i-D

I didn't know that tattoo-ing is illegal in Korea, and being someone who loves the idea of tattoos and wishes to be inked, I found it interesting that people with tattoos are literally shunned in a nation that prides itself on aesthetic to the point of condoning plastic surgery. This documentary not only explores South Korea's tattoo scene, but also rises up the question of societal pressure on girls to look a certain way. I love Grace Neutral, pushing societal boundaries, and a well filmed and edited video, and this documentary provided all three. Click here to check it out for yourself.

I'm big on social justice and fighting discrimination, and I feel like being informed is the first step to achieving just that. Documentaries are great cause they're fun to watch and they are informative, so I really hope you people watch some of these videos here. I enjoyed all of them and I really hope you do too! Comment below if you have any documentary suggestions, I'd really appreciate it. 

Till next time!

love,

Mira

010916

Hello friends!

It sure has been a while, huh. I've missed this space, honest to goodness. But I'm back now and with a whole lot of updates. I'm also at a very rambly talk-a-lot-of-crap mood of my pms cycle, so I'll do this post with numbers okay, else I'll be going on foreverrrr

1. I'm going to uni! 

My results came out 3 weeks ago, and Alhamdullilah, I'll be going to UCL to pursue Pharmacy. I'm so excited to start uni life, I've heard its going to be a whole new experience and I'm going to learn and mature and all that, like cooool, I can get even more mature?!?!?! Inevitably though, that means...

2. London calling

I'll be in London InsyaAllah for the next few years. If you've read my blog you would know that I've been in boarding school almost my whole life, but I must admit that relocating to another country is a whole new level of board. I am extremely manja, and my family is very close. It will be pretty hard to not have my weekly Saturday and Sunday dinner with my extended family. I have some very small cousins whom I am obsessed with, and I'm so scared they forget my face :( I also will be leaving behind some of the closest people to me. I know its not like I'm going off to war and all that, but really, I have built relationships with some people that are so so so precious to me. Seriously, their making this so hard for me. But anyway, moving to London is something I am very excited to do. I'm expecting to be super in total control of my everything, and that appeals to me a whole lot. I also got my hands on a very nice accommodation, and I even got my own bathroom. I am super thrilled!!! Mixed feelings about this though because

3. Imma be completely alone, for the first time ever

I have been blessed an amazing support system, but this also means I've never truly been alone. I feel like I've always been independent, but never alone, you know? I know this will be great for my self growth but tbh guys, I'm kind of nervous about having a non-shared accommodation. Growing up in TKC (my high school boarding school), I've been sleeping in a dorm room for 5 years, and at home, my siblings and I always sleep in the same room together (#clinggy). I feel like I'm leaving the nest, which is good for me, but it all comes with a hint of nervousness.

4. Making most of Malaysia

I loveeeee this country. Its such a santai place, its just so damn lepak. I've honestly been really busy, but other than settling my visa/accommodation/allthatjazz , I've been busy lepaking. Planning to set a world record of how much cili padi and teh tarik I can consume. I have just gotten into the habit of eating cili paid with everything, and I hateeeeee myself for it. Where am I going to get cili paid in London? Do any of you know? Where can I get kicap and condensed milk? Seriously, if anybody knows please comment below. I have about 20 more days in this country, I'm not going to deny myself a single craving. Please comment also if you know a truly Malaysian place to eat or see. 

5. On blogging

I have a lot to share about my experience on studying and getting into uni, but I don't want to be writing post that won't benefit anybody and be all syok sendiri. Are any of you interested in hearing about uni applications or studying or visa? Let me know, I'm happy to share. My close friend Fie just started a blog, and theres a very good post with guest writers about how everyone got into their universities. Check it out if you need inspiration, I'll link it here. I will be writing on a schedule once I get settled in London. Posts will still be pretty sparse up till then, and I hope you people understand. Just really making the most of my time with people and not being on the internet.

6. Blog direction

I'm still a little confused as to how I want this space to be. Sometimes my posts are super informal and I'm just talking about me (like this one), sometimes I write really thought out pieces about well, my opinion. I noticed most people do only one of the other. I don't want to decide, I'm a gemini, I'm both! And I really do get to make new friends through this space (thank you to anyone who has reached out and emailed me!), so I like to keep it personal. I wish there was a way to make like a forum here, so fun! Maybe I'll buy my own domain soon, once I'll settled and have more than just lepak tales to offer. Please do let me know if theres anything you want to read, I do a bit of beauty, i do bit of life and opinion, I do a lot of nonsense. Can I not pick a singular direction? I never pick one direction with my friends anyway.

7. I can't seem to stay at home.

Really, I can't. During the day everyone is out working/studying, and I am alone. I have gotten over being on youtube for hours on end, and sometimes I get super frustrated that I am not out. I'm becoming a irritable extrovert! Normally I have Saida to go get coffee with, or I'll drive to see my lover wherever he is, but I also don't have access to a car now so I don't always have that option (My sister Dina drives Johan to college). This is weird for me, I used to be able to laze around at home all the time, even crave it. Now, I just want to fill up my schedule. I think its the impending doom of not being able to do certain things and see certain people for a long long time in less than a month (cause I'm flying off right) so I feel like why am I alone at home when I will be alone in London. Why am I not out ?!?!?! 

Anyway, you will hear from me more often soon. I really don't have much to blog about, but once I'm in London, I'm sure I will. Thank you so much for still checking this space. It might just be one person constantly refreshing, but I really do regard people who visit this as friends. Hope to hear from you soon and often.

Love,

Mira

23.07.16

Hello lovely people of the internet world!

I feel like I haven't updated this space about me in ages. My post nowadays centre around my opinions or beauty reviews, and I miss just plain ol blogging. 

I've been spending my time being a stay-at-home mom pretty much. Run errands for the family, drive around whoever needs to be driven, meet up with friends for brunch, set some time aside to exercise (yes, I do that now) and organise activities/small trips/adventures with loved ones. I feel like a late 20's social butterfly mom and i love it! This is the lifeeeee. Some of my friends who are in the same situation as me (i.e. waiting to enrol into uni) have taken on jobs or are interning, but not me, I just want to rest my bones. I figured, I'll be spending the next 4 years of my life (insyaAllah) interning my time away I should just take it easy before it all gets crazy and I have no choice but to hustle. 

Oh I also did this

Its just a wig! But I'm wearing it out and rocking it like my real hair. I've alwayyyys wanted to dye my hair blue/green, but my parents won't let me, so I found a way around the system. And to be honest, I really like wearing wigs now. It looks like real hair, a lottttt of people totally fell for it, and its not hot or uncomfortable. I think you shall see me in crazy colours a lot now. I'm having fun, being the pixie I always felt I was meant to be.

I'm laughing a whole lot nowadays. A-levels results are out 11th August, and I am sooooo nervous (pray for me please, if ikhlas, if you wanna), but I can't help but think that I could be leaving this country and all my loved ones pretty soon. I want to spend all the time I have here choosing happiness, and my days have just been great. Making the choice to be present and positive is a smart and rewarding choice! Its funny, the closer I get to the prospective leave date, the more I fall in love with this country and all the people in my life. Alhamdullilah, I'm so lucky to have things that'll make saying goodbye hard (if I have to, if I get the results i need to get, if things go as planned a big INSYAALLAH)

So, I know I promised to post twice a week, but I have missed posts two or three times already. The thing is, as much as I do love my blog- it is a space which I feel I can truly express myself, me and all my contradictory facets- I feel like a scheduled post time makes me post just because. I have content, but its not content I would post if I didn't have to. So I think I'll be reverting to just posting when I want to, instead of a promised time and date. Hopefully, that'll mean no more sub-par posts. I'm so sorry if this upsets any of you, but you can put your email in to get notified whenever I do post in the sidebar of the right, or follow me on twitter, I update overtime I post something new here. Occasionally, if I feel really strongly, I'll update my instagram about new posts, so you could follow me there too (shameless promo huhu). Maybe I won't post so often while I'm still in Malaysia, but I'm hoping to document a lot of my UK (insyaAllah, if I make it) experience on this blog!

I hope everyones been doing great, wherever you are in you life right now. Be present, make use of every moment. Hope you hear from you lot soon and often.

Love,

Mira

On my typos.

One of my closest acquaintances recently told me that the first thought he had while reading through my blog was : 

'Banyaknya typo.'

Yes, I leave my typo and grammar mistakes in, but contrary to popular belief it isn't because I'm too lazy to do a spell check. 

I remember in school a lot of my teachers and peers encouraged me to start a blog, write on a public space, share my thoughts, and all because I was good in english and grammar. At that point I was just like, yeah okay, I can write so I should write, but upon growing up, I've received soooooo many comments/messages from people who say they want to start a blog or they want to share their thoughts but they can't because their grammar isn't 'good enough'.

Okay so I get why grammar is important. I understand why language has to be standardised, that its important for a system to be in place so we can all understand what everyone is trying to get at, okay, point taken. But a lot of the time, these people who come up to me expressing their want to write but feel like they can't, have an understandable, communicable level of language proficiency anyway. The only thing is (and I realise that I am assuming a lot of this because I've never actually been in their position) that there embarrassed that someone will point out their grammar mistakes, and the point he/she has tried to convey becomes less important than the fact that they aren't as good at a language. 

I can't help but wonder how many people we shut down as less opinionated or less bright, simply because they have not mastered a language to its fullest. And mastering a language is more than just being smart; its a lot to do with societal background, opportunities to get education, family upbringing. Some people just don't have the chance to receive good formal education when it comes to the english language, and don't speak it at home either. Just because someone isn't fluent in english, by no means should it reflect their intellectual capability. In Mira's idealistic (and some may argue unattainable) world, everyone's opinions would be weighed equally, regardless of what language or level of proficiency the opinion has been conveyed in. And I don't know about you but idealistic just means its something I want to work for, not dismiss as impossible.

So I leave my typos/grammar mistakes in to sort of let y'all know that hey, you don't to have good english to share your opinions. Share in whatever way is comfortable to you. I like to keep my blog space kind of sempoi anyway, yknw, keep it real homies. If your command of the english language has been the factor that stops you from expression, then this post is for you; just write. I got your back, me and all my imperfect typos.

Or you know, maybe I'm just being suppppeerrrrr defensive about my writing style. You decide :)

Love,

Mira

On opportunities

I feel like we are never grateful enough for our opportunities

One of my maids is only a year older than me. For those of you who may not be aware, having live-in maids is common practise in Malaysia, so no, I am not some rich princess that has maids to tend to her every wish and desire. Any who, she's born in the same time period as me, understands trends, uses instagram, you get the drift. Lets just call her 'Kakak'

So Kakak is a bright girl, went through high school, did well even. She's innovative, talkative, eager to learn. She's picking up English just by listening to us communicate at home, and we knew from day one that she really is a smart girl. But the thing is, she came from a poor family who could not afford to send her to university, so it was either get married or get a job. I understand why she was narrowed down to these two choices, marrying her off would mean less burden for the family and if that wasn't going to happen than it was vital she brought money to the table. The unfortunate truth is that putting food on the table always comes before education, and in most parts of the world tertiary education is still a very expensive luxury. She chose to leave home the moment she could to work (read : very young, but still legal guys no worries!). She told us that working in Malaysia is good and easy money. Retail jobs back home were hard to secure without networks and the other option would be to work in the fields. So she made that sacrifice.

I feel like Kakak is happy working here, at least she tells me she much prefers this than being married off to a man she barely knew. But I can never shake this disturbing feeling that she's just one year older than me and has been almost forced into this decision. We're so similar in age, it sends me shivers down my spine thinking that I could have easily been born into her life, we could have been switched. But instead, the lottery of birth placed me into this life, where tertiary education is almost a done deal, and I really have very little to worry about in the grand scale of things. I don't have to provide, I don't have to worry about being married off, I don't even have to worry about food because I will get fed one way or the other. And living in my house, so similar in age to me, is a girl who's had to worry about all those things.

My life comes with its own set of challenges; Kakak will never feel the pressure of picking an education thats worth a heck lot of money. Neither will she almost be forced to a 9-5 lifestyle, or be expected to perform a certain academic standard, but still, put my worries against hers on a scale and we don't even have to wonder who will win. It all comes down to opportunities. Both Kakak and I have had very different opportunities in life. We all get them, some may seem more appealing than others but everyone is destined to their own unique set of opportunities which is mostly determined by what life you were born into. Its kind of sad, but its sadder to know that there are so many people who get good opportunities and just don't take them.  People who would pick 'chilling' forever over the prospect of self growth and improvement just because they want to. Don't get me wrong, I love to lepak, but everything in moderation guys. Don't let your lepak game ruin your opportunities.

Who's to say who got luckier in the birth lottery, but one thing I know for sure is that I have had more options than Kakak ever did. And I feel like I almost have a duty to take every opportunity I can to grow and learn, even if it means I have to work a little harder and chill a little less. Think about it, there are people out there who don't even dare dream about the things we take for granted. So my reminder to myself, and all of you, is to grab the opportunity, whatever it may be, because some people will never have the chance.

Love,

Mirr

Explore KL : Lake Gardens

Do you guys realise that KL has so many shopping malls. Its crazy, and for some reason, we're still building new ones. 

Without meaning to sound snobby or bratty, I truly feel like I've outgrown shopping malls ; I just really dislike being in such a huge closed off building. The only kind of malls you'd find me chilling at are the likes of Publika or Bangsar Village, where its more opened up and airy and doesn't really feel as if you're walking around a huge concrete block. 

As someone who loves going out but hates malls, I find it really sad that its hard for me to find things to do in my chill time, other than 'get coffee'. I feel like Malaysia and KL has so much to offer culturally and historically, but its quite sad that our museums, memorials and parks aren't really given much attention. I understand, KL is hot, who wants to sit in a park all day. But for the select few who are like me and don't mind a day in the sun, or walking around an empty museum, I'm starting this small section on my blog called Explore KL, where I'll write about the other things you can do, other than going to a mall and watching a movie.

First up, Lake Gardens!

The very first day of the year, my best friend Saida and I wanted to go for a picnic and she suggested we head to lake gardens. Before 1st January 2016, I never knew this place even existed-despite it being 10 minutes away from my house, but its now one of my favourite places in the city, so props to Saida for bringing me here. Lake Gardens is a huge park and I daresay its the most well maintained park in the city. It has small sections in the park where there are smaller displays, like one section are all plants that you can eat, theres a bamboo house you can play at, theres a huge playground, and admission for everything is free! The yellow structure pictured above are roofs for a skate park, nothing extreme but still looks like an uber fun place to skate or ride your bike at.

Like most parks it has a lot of greenery, and these huge pot things that scream " TAKE A PICTURE FOR THE GRAM" Definitely a good instagram spot, if you're the type. I normally go in the morning and its pretty cooling, no scorching heat and you don't have to worry too much about sweating buckets. Like I mentioned before, they have a bunch of little areas with different types of plants, so you can learn a lot about nature just by walking through the park. 

There's a little deer park, but I think it only opens after 12pm. I'm not sure how good it is because I'm always home by 10 am on my lake garden visits. Theres also a few of theres huge tree houses, which are the coolest! I brought my (now ex) boyfriend for a picnic in a treehouse here, and it was such a good day. Windy and surrounded by greenery, its the ultimate spot for picnic, and normally you can get the whole tree house to yourself (since no-one appreciates things like this, the park is never full). 

Theres a hugeeee playground and a few little ponds, and I forgot to take a picture but theres also this huge bamboo treehouse complex which is a fun place to just sit around. Near the carpark, theres a small shop selling nasi lemak, nasi dagang and the likes. I've only been here in the morning so I'm not too sure about operating hours, but its a nice place to eat after a morning jog. Also, my favourite, theres a few stalls selling orchids for really cheap here!

This is my go to place for potted orchids because they last me very long and can be as low as RM 8! Or course, some would be more expensive but I normally spend less than RM 20 on my trips and I get something to cheer up my room for 3 months.

So there you have it, do pay Lake gardens a visit if you want to hang out somewhere a little out of the ordinary. Its a huge park, and the skate area and bamboo house is not near the main parking area, so take your time to walk around and explore. Its open from 7am to 8pm daily, and sometimes they have flower and art exhibits, so it really is a nice space. Also, let me know in the comments if there are any cool places I could go to in KL. I'm hoping to post at least once every two weeks about the not so popular gems of my city, and hopefully, if people start becoming more interested, the government and private companies will take initiative to maintain these places better. There's so much our city has to offer, we just gotta look around a little more.

Love,

Mirr