On Happiness

I was very very very excited about completing my A levels. The dates lined up so that I would have exactly 10 days between my last paper and my 20th birthday, and when I first realised this months ago, I decided, I'm having a 10 day countdown/celebration.

Now, my idea of a celebration was pretty, well, unrealistic. I made it pretty clear that I was looking forward to this 10 day countdown period to everyone who held any significance in my life, and henceforth I assumed they'd get the hint; Celebrate me for 10 days godammit. I didn't hope for having a party everyday for ten days, of course. Instead it was more, I hope everyone does all they can to make me very very very happy for 10 days, and put me as top priority.

This was unrealistic for many reason. For one, hoping for peoples world to revolve around you for even the shortest amount of time is not something you can or should hope for. I know this, I totally understand every argument, but man, I really really really have always liked to be babied and get attention and physical proof of affection from my loved ones, and its been a part of me I've never really admitted because god forbid somebody call me an attention seeker and insecure ( side note, maybe I am an attention seeker and insecure, thats ok. Approaching 20 I'm proud to be honest about myself, like Tyrion Lannister said, know what you are, because the world will never forget, and use it like amour) In any case, given time to cool off, I do almost always manage to argue against my self-centredness, and realise that its not healthy to expect that sort of thing from people. The other thing was, even if everyone wanted to truly celebrate me, it was the absolute right time for me, but absolute wrong time for everyone else. My sister was enrolling into pre-u earlier than we expected, my friends are busy with exams or work, my boyfriend had 2 further maths papers, and well, no-one could devote 10 days to me.... 

I was very sad,  so I sulked and merajuk for the first day I was back. I kept thinking, why is my happiness not their priority? Why don't people want to do things for me that I'd do for them? Why am I not important, why are all my celebration plans not working out, how come no-one is cooperating?????  The second day I was back, I went out with Dina to get stuff for her pre-u sorted, when I came across this quote on a decorative item :

"Some pursue happiness, others make it"

And I thought, what the fuck am I doing expecting my happiness to be the responsibility of others??? Its not sustainable, you're putting yourself up for disappointment, and well, Mirr, you have chosen happiness so many times now, why for these 10 days expect others to choose it for you???? 

Its appealing, I like to feel like a princess, I like to be spoilt once in a while, and my birthday is probably the thing that I look forward to the most every year- its a big deal okay, I like growing up and I like celebration, birthdays are EXACTLY that. But like, if I was going to expect everyone to celebrate me for 10 days, or for that matter, if I was going to base my happiness on my actual birthday solely based on what others have planned, then I have no control on both my happiness or my expectations, and my birthday will always be an inadequate, unspecial affair.

I celebrated my 10 days alright, but in a different way than I expected. I allowed myself to fully realise how happy I am, did everything, ate everything, wore everything I felt like without giving into guilt. I let myself sleep in and not feel bad, I helped those who I could help. I mean, its not a celebration in the truest of terms, but I think I celebrated me and the person I've become. Plus, I kept to blogging every day, which allowed myself to feel productive, creative and well, good. This space makes me feel good.

I'm learning that expectations often lead to disappointment, and a lot of the time the things you hope to happen and the things that actually happen will be different. But different isn't always bad, but it is bad if thats all you allow it to be. 

I guess over these past 10 days I've learned that while artisan cakes, balloons, flowers, parties and surprises are nice, you've got to chose happiness for yourself, cause nobody will hand it to you on a silver platter. Which sounds a lil depressing on its own, but the flip side is nobody can take it all away from you either. 

Since my 10 days are over, I won't be blogging everyday anymore. But I will stick to a 2 post a week minimum; 9.30pm Saturday and 9.30pm Wednesday. So you can expect to see me put up a post at those times. Blogging everyday made me feel like I have a lot of friends, and for those of you who took the time to comment, email me or contact me on any sort of platform, I thank you so much! It always makes a huge difference to my day and my mood, and I hope we can be friends. Once again this is my email : ilmiramurni@yahoo.com , which I welcome for absolutely anything.

Also heads up, may not post tomorrow, but definitely will on Wednesday. I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I have writing, and I'll see you back here really soon.

Love,

Mira