If he leaves me

We were in econs, drawing graphs of some sort when Fie turned to me and asked,

' What will you do if he leaves you?'

I know heartbreak. Ive gone into a relationship which is admitedly my first real experience with love and it came and it left and my life was in shambles when it did. I guess almost all experiences with first loves leave you with some degree of tragedy, a story to remember. I got my fair share of scars to bear. But what happened happened, and I reacted in the ways that I did and I am proud of how far I've come from where I was a little over a year ago.

While I do not appreciate the things some people have put me through, heartbreak brought me a humbling experience. Getting betrayed by someone who I thought was going to be the person I would spend my life with taught me a few things. 

It made me truly understand that what someone does to you is a reflection of that individual, not you. Never let anybodies actions, words and choices define what you think about yourself and I mean this on all fronts. If someone says 'i hate you' he/she is saying that he/she hates you, not that you deserve to be hated, and vice versa. 'I love you' means I love you, not that you deserve to be loved. Statements and actions are extensions of the person doing them, and not mirrors of what you are, let that sink in a little. 

 In the moment, this was the hardest thing to believe. I wallowed in self pity and interpreted everything my ex did to me as a reflection of my worth, and once you get into that pit its hard to get out but hey, I did. If you are going through heartbreak, just hold on to to the fact that what Peter says about Jane says more about Peter than it does about Jane. Nobody can ever define who you are or put a measure to your worth, only you can do that.

I also got a reality check about how dangerous attachments can be. When things started to break, the first thing I felt was that I was absolutely lost. I was the type to be willing to give my life up for a guy, and admitedly, I tailor suited a lot of my life for him. People talk about selflessness like it is the most noble thing in the world, but everything has its limits. I learned to hold on to me, that any real love wouldn't demand for many sacrifices. I mean, I do believe in doing big things for the people you love, but keep some elements in your life as only yours. Whether it be things like how you dress, how you write, what you post on instagram, what you eat or what you do as a hobby, hold on to something separate from your relationship, hold on to something that is exclusively you. Don't get too attached to anything or anyone, you'll miss out on everything else life has to offer and once that thing is gone (and it most probably will go) you will be lost.as.fuck (not a fun place to be). Almost all things are temporary, so be ready for when life gets real. Just remember that temporary things can also be beautiful and ultimately worth it.

We can never own love. Love will come when it has to, and love will go when it must. This is a quote from the poem 'When love arrives' by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye, and oh my did this poem help me understand the non ownership of love. I've linked the video for anyone who might want to watch the poem for themselves here ; 

There were a lot of things I learned from my breakup, but ultimately, I learned that you will be okay and you are literally all you need. You have your life, and it feels amazing to make the choice to live it each and every day.

I am glad I took the time I did to get over it, and that I purged whatever I felt. I am a strong believer of the fact that there is undeniable strength in emotions, and if you need to cry 27 times a week so be it! My purge has made me come to absolute peace with all that has happened, and hey, now Im as ready as ever. Plus, you know how they say don't hate the game, hate the player?

Thats true. Cause Ive stumbled across a gem who asks for nothing but me to be myself.

So what will I do if he leaves me too?

Ill live.

The distance that was meant to be

 There are 150 million kilometers between who we were,

And what we are today.

Which is exactly where we are supposed to be.

The sun and the moon are 150 million kilometers apart,

Which is exactly where they are supposed to be.

They keep this balance,

Every time their paths cross,

The whole world goes dark.

I hope you understand why I cannot let that happen.

Our eclipse is over;

I have spent a day too many in night;

I have come to love the light.

I no longer need you to shine.