Full time boarder, finding home

Every Sunday, my whole family on my moms side comes over for dinner. Sunday also happens to be the day I go back to college, if I go home for the weekend and thats admitedly, every weekend so far this semester (#manja). Its a bittersweet affair for me really but its nice to be able to play with my baby cousins before I go back to boarding school.

But anyway, before I leave home I say goodbye to everyone and make a fuss about me going back to school and being all like 'Dont miss me too much' or 'Send me Ayden and Alexa videos' and the classic 'Im going back to jaiiiillllll wont you missssss meeeeeee you guys love me riiiight.'

But sometimes I say this :
'Okay guys, its time for me to go back home'

Then I get so mad at myself. What are you saying Mira, KY is not home. How can you betray yourself like this, you are home, you're just going back to prison. Cmon mirr you are not allowed to associate boarding school with the word home, do not tarnish that sacred term !!!!!!!!  >:/

In all truth, I used to say this when I have to go back to TKC as well, it just slips out! (TKC is the high school I went to, which is a fully residential all girls government boarding school which translates to 5 years of regimented lifestyle). As much as it frustrates me, I don't want to call a place that puts so much distance between my loved ones and I as 'home' , I guess, it kind of is.

I spend most of my life at whatever institution I am enrolled into, a much bigger fraction of my time is allocated to me being in boarding school. I sleep in my school bed more than my bed in my house, I eat more meals at the KY's dining hall than in my dining room at home. I see these walls way more than I see the walls at home, I've assimilated, I've become so familiar with my surroundings here, I guess its weird to call it school. Plus, I make connections here, like, my own little KY family.

I've been shipped off to study in different states ever since I was 13, it almost feels weird to be at home for a long period of time. My house is more of like a retreat for me, and I almost cannot be productive at home anymore. So is it fair for me to say my house is my home?

Despite all this, I dont feel like I can comfortably call an educational institution my home.

Once, I tried to find a home in other people. This concept is romantic, but it led me to moulding myself to fit into a whole other persons ideals. I don't think I can do that any more.

I feel like I was raised a nomad, with halfway houses and constantly packing and unpacking my suitcase. The term home can no longer be a physical space for me, neither is it approval from somebody else. Home, I've found, is where I can be who I want to be. It is a place where I can choose to become whoever I want to become, and feel comfortable. Not judged or forced to defend my stances. Ultimately, I am realising that the only home Ill ever have, and need, is within my own self.

Im still building my home, and its proving to be a confusing and interesting personal journey. What with boarding school  and my involvement in debate, open minded yet religious parents and all the acquaintances Ive made, Ive been exposed to both extreme conservative and extreme liberal schools of thought, and a lot of in betweens. And while I want to build my home individually, with my very own chosen values, I am so grateful to have a handful of people who are supporting me, and reassuring me they love me no matter what.

Speaking of boarding school, my sister Dina is spending her last few weeks of being a student in TKC, which means SPM is justttt around the corner. Shes doesnt sneak in a phone to school, cause shes not like her elder sister, but I think she'll read this. All the bestt Dins, find a way to call me! Also, Id appreciate it if you guys doakan her and all, if ikhlas that is ☺️

Alrighty, going to nap now, because thats a huge part of my personality lol. Planning to blog more often, but with Bangsawan and dancing for Diwali, Im not sure if I have much time yikes! Hopefully Ill make time, so ttyl :*

Love,
Mirr