On being present

So the real reason why I haven't been posting on here at all lately is because I've found that I'm in quite a dry spell when it comes to writing here, and thats been because I've been feeling really odd.

The word to describe it best is sub-par. Not unhappy, not depressed. Not even a little bit sad. Just feeling like Im not feeling what Im supposed to feel coming to London. I worked myself for the longest of times to get here, but when I did get here, I really just wanted to go home.

See, thats the other thing. I didn't feel like it should be something I should talk about so openly. I'm aware that me being in my dream university under my dream scholarship is something that is of great privilege. I know so many pray for this and that I got really lucky with the cards life dealt me in terms of education. I was really scared of being labelled 'tak bersyukur' (ungrateful) in my attempt at being honest and I didn't want to complain. I mean, I got exactly what I wanted.

But I did feel sub-par, and while thats a whole other blogpost in itself, it is the main reason why I couldn't write anything here. I wanted to write about how happy and wonderful and amazing things were. And whilst I always found London to be a city easy to fall in love with, my first term here was just so 

sub-par.

A hugeeee chunk of my sub-par ness stemmed from the fact that I left so many people that I love back in Malaysia- one plane ticket and I have a long distance relationship with 70% of the people closest to me, and I kept indulging in the lonely thought of forever being left out (huge FOMO issues). I'm super close to my family, so it was really hard to know that I'll be missing out on so many dinners and stay-cations. My best friend was in Malaysia and I couldn't spontaneously barge into her house and of course, I tried for a while to maintain a relationship spanning oceans. I guess theres nothing particularly unique to my feeling homesick, its natural. But it all lead me to wishing I was home instead of here.

Long distance relations of any sort are hard, and not everyone is cut out for it. I started the year embracing the fact that I'd have to stop trying with one of my relationships. I think thats when the weight of what I have to sacrifice - by default of being so far away from so many people - hit me. I don't really want to go into the details of my getting over it but losing this bond did make me realise something huge. Something that was so damn obvious but yet so pivotal in my ability to enjoy myself here, and that was

Mira, you'll never be in Malaysia while you're in London.

I know it sounds pretty dumb that I didn't really truly embrace that, but I really didn't okay! I kept wishing myself to be home all the time, so much so that I was just ended up in between nothing. One of my friends pointed out to be that Im not present, and thats when the eureka moment happened. Thats when I realised that how the hell am I gonna see London if all Im looking at is Malaysia?!?! That I've been living in my head this whole time.

Though this may seem a little like a complain-ey post, I mean for it to be quite the opposite. This is a, I was really complain-ey but now I have gotten over my self and now, now Im moving on. Is it too late to make new years resolutions?

I'm going to be present. No, actually, I already am present. Im here now, fully. Where I have full responsibility over my body, where it will not eat if I decide not to go to the groceries. Where milk is so fresh and so cheap and finding curly kale isn't like trying to find the cure for cancer. In London, long walks feel like leisure and I wear sneakers almost all of the times despite not owning a single pair a little over 6 months ago. Here, the rain goes pitter patter and the skies are bluer because there aren't as many clouds. The sun is a privilege that I will willingly walk twice as far to enjoy. Im here in a place with some super peng fried chicken down the road and the hydrangeas are green instead of blue. I sleep with the windows drawn and the sun wakes me up, the cold whips against my face to remind me that i am here i am here i am here. Every tube station presents itself with a different character. The days look like literal grey some days and I've fallen in love with spinning on poles.
I am exactly where I dreamed of being.

So I guess its true, to make an end is to make a beginning.

Love from London,

Mirr.